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Getting Past NO, Ury
Know these cards and know the book.
Question | Answer |
---|---|
'Getting Past No' is about...? | Getting from confrontation state to a cooperation state. |
5 Barriers to cooperation | Your Reaction Their Emotion Their Position Their Dissatisfaction Their Power |
Don't react, instead... Go to the balcony. | Have an attitude of detachment -Name the game -Know your hot buttons -Buy time to think (pause, rewind the tape, don't decide on the spot). |
3 natural dangerous reactions you might have | Striking back, Giving in, Breaking off |
Recognize the tactic (Name the game) | A way to control your reactions by identifying the games the other party is playing... by recognizing the trick, you will not be taken in by the deception. |
3 general tactics/games used by others in confrontations | Stone walls, Attacks, Tricks |
Stone-wall | refusal to budge on their position |
Attacks | pressure tactics designed to intimidate you and make you feel uncomfortable so that you ultimately give in to the other side's demands |
Tricks | Tactics that you are 'duped' into giving in... they take advantage that you assume the other party is acting in good faith and telling the truth |
Know your hot buttons | Understand how you are feeling and how their tactics are making you feel. |
"Their Emotion..." solution to this barrier of cooperation | Step to their side, don't argue... listen. -paraphrase, ask for correction. -acknowledge the person -express views without provoking -Don't use "BUT"... use "Yes...and" -Make "I" statements, not "you" statments -Acknowledge difference with optimism |
"Their Position..." solution to this barrier of cooperation | Reframe, don't reject! -To change the game, change the frame -ask problem solving questions -ask their advise -Negotiate the rules of the game |
Stone walls... How do you solve this tactic? | Go around them: Ignore it... Test it... |
Attacks... How do you solve this tactic? | Deflect them: Ignore it... recast it against the problem... reframe it as friendly... reframe "you" and "me" to "we" |
Tricks... How do you solve this tactic? | Defuse tricks: Ask clarifying questions... Make a reasonable request... Name the trick... |
"Their Dissatisfaction..." solution to this barrier of cooperation | Build a golden bridge for them to retreat on, one they will want to retreat on! ...Don't push them to retreat. |
4 classic obstacles to an agreement... (for building a golden bridge) | 1) not their idea 2) unmet interests 3) fear of losing face 4)too much too fast (don't RUSH) |
3 ways to involve the other side... (for building a golden bridge) | 1) ask for and build on their ideas 2) ask for a constructive criticism 3) offer them a choice |
3 ways to satisfy unmet interests... (for building a golden bridge) | 1) don't dismiss them as irrational 2) don't overlook basic human needs 3) don't assume a fixed pie |
2 ways to help their fear of losing face... (for building a golden bridge) | 1) help them save face 2) help write their victory speech |
"Their Power..." solution to this barrier of cooperation | Use Power to educate... don't escalate. |
ways to educate... (to resolve the imbalance of power) | 1) warn, don't threaten 2) Let them know the consequences, realistic & sincere 3) Demonstrate BATNA 4) keep sharpening their choice, identify interests so you can craft resolution 5) aim for mutual satisfaction 6) aim for lasting agreement |
BATNA | Best Alternative to a negotiated agreement |
Why BATNA | it's power! don't use power to bring the other to their needs... use power to bring them to their senses. |
How to use your BATNA | Demonstrate BATNA... and a legitimate way out of it without provoking them (golden bridge) |