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Getting Past NO, Ury

Know these cards and know the book.

'Getting Past No' is about...? Getting from confrontation state to a cooperation state.
5 Barriers to cooperation Your Reaction Their Emotion Their Position Their Dissatisfaction Their Power
Don't react, instead... Go to the balcony. Have an attitude of detachment -Name the game -Know your hot buttons -Buy time to think (pause, rewind the tape, don't decide on the spot).
3 natural dangerous reactions you might have Striking back, Giving in, Breaking off
Recognize the tactic (Name the game) A way to control your reactions by identifying the games the other party is playing... by recognizing the trick, you will not be taken in by the deception.
3 general tactics/games used by others in confrontations Stone walls, Attacks, Tricks
Stone-wall refusal to budge on their position
Attacks pressure tactics designed to intimidate you and make you feel uncomfortable so that you ultimately give in to the other side's demands
Tricks Tactics that you are 'duped' into giving in... they take advantage that you assume the other party is acting in good faith and telling the truth
Know your hot buttons Understand how you are feeling and how their tactics are making you feel.
"Their Emotion..." solution to this barrier of cooperation Step to their side, don't argue... listen. -paraphrase, ask for correction. -acknowledge the person -express views without provoking -Don't use "BUT"... use "Yes...and" -Make "I" statements, not "you" statments -Acknowledge difference with optimism
"Their Position..." solution to this barrier of cooperation Reframe, don't reject! -To change the game, change the frame -ask problem solving questions -ask their advise -Negotiate the rules of the game
Stone walls... How do you solve this tactic? Go around them: Ignore it... Test it...
Attacks... How do you solve this tactic? Deflect them: Ignore it... recast it against the problem... reframe it as friendly... reframe "you" and "me" to "we"
Tricks... How do you solve this tactic? Defuse tricks: Ask clarifying questions... Make a reasonable request... Name the trick...
"Their Dissatisfaction..." solution to this barrier of cooperation Build a golden bridge for them to retreat on, one they will want to retreat on! ...Don't push them to retreat.
4 classic obstacles to an agreement... (for building a golden bridge) 1) not their idea 2) unmet interests 3) fear of losing face 4)too much too fast (don't RUSH)
3 ways to involve the other side... (for building a golden bridge) 1) ask for and build on their ideas 2) ask for a constructive criticism 3) offer them a choice
3 ways to satisfy unmet interests... (for building a golden bridge) 1) don't dismiss them as irrational 2) don't overlook basic human needs 3) don't assume a fixed pie
2 ways to help their fear of losing face... (for building a golden bridge) 1) help them save face 2) help write their victory speech
"Their Power..." solution to this barrier of cooperation Use Power to educate... don't escalate.
ways to educate... (to resolve the imbalance of power) 1) warn, don't threaten 2) Let them know the consequences, realistic & sincere 3) Demonstrate BATNA 4) keep sharpening their choice, identify interests so you can craft resolution 5) aim for mutual satisfaction 6) aim for lasting agreement
BATNA Best Alternative to a negotiated agreement
Why BATNA it's power! don't use power to bring the other to their needs... use power to bring them to their senses.
How to use your BATNA Demonstrate BATNA... and a legitimate way out of it without provoking them (golden bridge)
Created by: relationshipally