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CONTROL talk

COMN2311-LECT 15 & 16 Concepts

QuestionAnswer
When CONTROL talk appears recognised power difference between speakers in conversation or problem/conflict talk
Assumptions of CONTROL (light) talk*** manage other/maintain face; I persist - you change; my version is obviously true; based on my (real) data; I have access to all data;
CONTROL talk (review) Critical (I'm right-you're wrong) - light Offer new info (argue/teach/preach/) - light Negotiate change (they acquiesce to you) - light *Terminate/try again/take it personally Righteous anger - heavy Overt aggression - heavy Laying blame - heavy
Assumptions of CONTROL (heavy) talk*** I assume I know what you mean; you are to blame - your behaviour is incorrect/incomplete/inappropriate; I talk from critical judgement; "you"-messages; ask Qs to probe for agreement; listen for leverage; no/low acknowledgement; no/low support
CONTROL is about power rational or emotional persuasion for: positional; personal; principle of least interest (in relationship vs. being right)
Using power bases to influence other: (5) legitimate power; referent power; reward/coercive power; informational/persuasion power
Light CONTROL talk when there is no power advantage/resistance soft tactics; more emotional; create bot 'objective' and 'subjective' (emotional) rewards for other - induce some level of dependence
Active light CONTROL tactics (7) Pre-giving (reward then compliance); promises; (compliance then reward); +ve expertise (rewarded by nature);+ve self-feelings (in other); +ve altercasting (cast other in +ve role); +ve esteem (+ve for other); more appeals ('the right thing to do)
Passive light CONTROL tactics (5) -ve expertise (punished by nature); -ve self-feelings; -ve altercasting; -ve esteem; debt (call in past favours)
Light CONTROL works in the 'right' context: (4) other needs info we have; other has lees power/knowledge; other feels they have little to contribute; we get what we want & they change
Light CONTROL meets with resistance when: (5) other does not need our info; they hold opposing line/exerting independence from us; other responds w/ light CONTROL; we resist & reply w/ more light CONTROL --> become competitive
Heavy CONTROL forms (6) You-messages; labels (you are ... ) ; commands (don't do that ever again) ; judgement (you're wrong); blame (you made me); accusation (you don't care)
'You'-messages (5) focus on the person instead of the behaviour/situation; disguised emotion; places blame instead of solving issue; other is provoked into defensive; avoids ownership of your thoughts & feelings (other is not responsible)
Heavy CONTROL & Influence in Romantic Relationships if 1 is controller = uses heavy tactics; if no 1 = both use light CONTROL; if both = rational bargaining/compromise; low self esteem uses hard tactics (doesn't believe simple request will be accepted)
CONTROL & punctuation (Devito) IP COMN is: continuous; overlapping; complex; multi-causal; hard to accept (when defensive); so we simplify (punctuate)
Heavy CONTROL loop Heavy CONTROL-->chain of cause & effect -->"your behaviour caused my reaction" --> I need to be right
3 aspects of struggle in CONTROL talk what was said (truth); what was meant (help/hurt); who's to blame (they are the cause)
Assumptions (crippling) about "what was said" *** The struggle over the TRUTH: I am right; you are wrong; if I persist you will change; persistence creates resistance
Assumptions (crippling) about "what was meant" *** I know what you meant; infer others intentions from your feelings (auto-think); leads us up inference ladder; allness assumptions
Assumptions (crippling) about "who's to blame" *** most time is spent here: It's not the situation, it's THEM; problems only have one cause (over-attribution)
CONTROL (3) vs DIALOGUE talk (3) CONTROL starts from: REFLEX; REACTION & RIGHTNESS...DIALOGUE starts from: AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE & APPROPRIATENESS
Three types of talk & problem-solving in relationships Connect Talk --> [problem]--> CONTROL talk (being right*/assume/judge) --> CHOOSE (mindfulness/flexibility/meta-talk) --> DIALOGUE Talk (solve problem/learn/accept)
Created by: elle99
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