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Conflict Notes 1
Difficult Converssations Outline
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| What are 3 parts of the "What Happened" conversation? | BIT - Blame, Intention, Truth; The Truth Assumption, the Intention Invention, The Blame Frame |
| Arguing without Understanding is: | Unpersuasive |
| What are 3 reasons why we each see the world differently? | We have different information; we have different interpretations; our counclusions reflect self-interest |
| What are 2 points that specify why we have different information? | We notice different things; we each know ourselves better than anyone else can |
| What are 2 reasons we have different interpretations? | Influenced by past experiences; apply different implicit rules |
| We want to move from certainty to: | Curiosity |
| What's the way into someone else's story? | Curiosity |
| How do you embrace both stories? | Adopt the "and stance." |
| What are 2 exceptions that aren't? | I Really Am Right; Giving Bad News |
| To Move Forward, First Understand | Where You Are |
| Disentangle Intent from | Impact |
| What are 2 key mistakes about intentions? | Assumptions about intentions are often wrong; Good intentions don't sanitize bad impact |
| We assume that bad intentions mean: | Bad character |
| Accusing others of bad intentions creates: | Defensiveness |
| Attributions can become: | Self-fulfilling |
| We ignore the complexity of: | Human Motivation |
| We aggravate hostiility - especially between: | groups |
| To disentangle impact from intent, hold your view as | hypothesis |
| Share the impact on you; inquire about their | intentions |
| Listen for feelings, reflect on your: | intentions |
| Abandon Blame: map the | Contribution System |
| Distinguish blame from: | contribution |
| Blame is about | judging |
| Blame looks | backward |
| Contribution is about | understanding |
| Contribution looks | forward |
| Contribution is Joint and | Interactive |
| When blame is the goal, what is the casualty? | Understanding |
| Focusing on blame hinders | problem-solving |
| Blame can leave what undiscovered? | Bad system |
| What are 4 hard-to-spot contributions? | Avoiding until now; being unapproachable; intersections; problematic role assumptions |
| What are 2 tools for spotting contributions? | Role reversal; obersver's insight |
| Take responsibility for your contribution | early |
| Have your feelings, or they will | Have you |
| Good people can have bad | feelings |
| Your feelings are as important as | theirs |
| Don't Vent: describe feelings | carefully |
| Frame feelings back into the | problem |
| Express the full ________ of your feelings. | spectrum |
| What are the three core identities? | Am I competent? Am I a Good Person? Am I worthy of love? |
| List 2 vulnerable identities (all-or-nothing syndrome): | Denial; Exxageration |
| What are three things to accept about yourself to ground your identity? | You will make mistakes; your intentions are complex; you have contributed to the problem |
| Let go of trying to control their | reaction |
| Prepare for their | response |
| Imagine that it's three months or ___ from now. | 10 years |
| Take a | break |
| Don't focus on short-term relief at | long-term cost |
| Don't hit-and | run |
| What are three purposes that work? | learning their story; expressing your views and feelings; problem-solving together |
| What are the 3 parts of the map for going forward? | Third story, their story, your story. |
| What are three listening skills? | Inquiry, Paraphrasing, Acknowledgement |
| Speak for yourself with clarity and | power |
| Don't present your conclusions as the | truth |
| Share where your conclusions come | from |
| Dont exaggerate with | always and never |
| With problem solving, gather information and test your | perceptions |
Created by:
MNA
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