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Heather

Cue LineBlank
BRANDON. Thanks. We hear Heather's PHONE RING.
BRANDON. Heather. It's me Brandon.
BRANDON. Yes, yes, I'm fine.
BRANDON. Well, it's so bizarre, I'm not sure you're going to believe it.
BRANDON. Good. Well, last night when I left my office, I got on the elevator and the next thing I remember is waking ... How about concerned? Yes, that's the word. She was very concerned.
BRANDON. Well, uh, I'm still in her apartment. I would have called you last night but, see I ate part of her tuna fish ...She's making oatmeal for me now. What a terrific apartment she has. I think you should see it. It might give you a few ideas.
BRANDON. Heather? Heather. (He dials again. LIGHTS UP on Heather as she answers the phone.)
BRANDON. Who?
BRANDON. Wait a minute, when I said it, it didn't come out that suggestive. Oh, come on. You don't think for one minute that I'd...
BRANDON. Well, she's...She's probably in her...her seventies, maybe eighties.
SARA. I hope the oatmeal tastes okay. I was only able to nuke it for a couple of minutes because the plastic container it came in started to melt.
BRANDON. Yes.
BRANDON. Every day of it.
BRANDON. Right (Enters combination) 1-2-3-4. Her parents must be steamed. They're not too happy with me to begin with. For some reason every time I'm with them I fall asleep. (Ring tone)
BRANDON. (On phone) Heather? Listen, I'm so sorry about dinner.
BRANDON. You'll never believe it. I'm back at Sara's.
SARA (O.S.) Please, go right ahead. (He dials. Generic Phone Ring)
BRANDON. Heather. It's Brandon. Don't hang up. I can explain about last night. You know how allergic I am to tuna fish? Well, I'm also allergic to peanuts.
BRANDON. I'll have it tonight.
BRANDON. I'm uh...I'm at my apartment. Yes, that's where I am.
BRANDON. Well, I uh...
SARA. Oh, God, Aunt Martha. He kissed me.
SARA. (Not realizing it isn't Aunt Martha) And I think I liked it.
SARA. Uh, Yes.
SARA. (Horrified) It is? Well, how nice of you to call. How did you get my number?
SARA. Oh, yes. How nice of you to call. I think I said that.
SARA. Right. (Aloud to herself) Right? Did I say right? (On the phone) Aunt Martha! Aunt Martha! What the hell am I doing? (She switches to the other line) Hello, Heather?
SARA. You were saying...you think we need to talk?
SARA. Well, I believe you're about to find out right now.
SARA. Heather?
SARA. Yes. Please come in.
SARA. You have fabulous taste.
BRANDON. Where? Oh, yes. So it is. I mean, I am. It's me.
SARA. (Calmly) We can only hope. By the way, Heather, I love that color on you. (Blackout/Lights Up)
BRANDON. Oh, uh, yeah...I mean no, nothing to worry about.
BRANDON. Oh, uh, yeah, I mean, no. No remorse. Not at all.
SARA. I agree wholeheartedly.
SARA. I know, but I'm sure with therapy and heavy duty medication, we can keep her under control.
BRANDON. Why can't we?
SARA. Yes?
BRANDON. He's at least a full foot shorter than her.
BRANDON. Not Tim Larsen.
BRANDON. He's the most boring man I know.
SARA. I think it did.
BRANDON. Bert Ridgley is not the guy for Sara.
BRANDON. No.
BRANDON. The taxidermist? Oh, my God. He reeks from formaldehyde. Besides, he's not her type either.
BRANDON. Why waste her time? Look, I've spent two nights with her. I should know something about the kind of guy she needs. That didn't come out right, did it?
SARA. That's okay. Just be aware of it next time. I'm sure these past few days have been very upsetting for Heather.
NOOGIE. Your aunt is okay, Sara. She picked out a very healthy one for you. (To Heather) Did we meet?
NOOGIE. Thanks. (Rubs chin) Boy, what a smack. I'm very impressed. (He EXITS to kitchen)
SARA, Look, I don't need to be air brushed or fixed up. Trust me, if I make up my mind to land someone, I'll land him. ... aunt know the reasons. Excuse me. (Picks up phone and begins dialing. Then to Heather) You may not want to hear this.
SARA. The toilet seat is up, the hot water is gone, his smelly old clothes and underwear that have been lying on the floor for the last five days are still there and worse than that he's used my tooth brush.
SARA. Next, I go to the kitchen, but first I need to pass through a once beautiful living room, ... with the wide screen television which has made the room so incredibly ugly that I keep my eyes closed every time I pass through it.
SARA. Then along comes pregnancy and with it morning sickness and puking my brains out and with my luck it's twins, ... with trying to get that putrid mashed baby food down their throats which somehow they keep spitting back up on me.
SARA. And every where I walk are bags filled with disposable diapers that reek of baby urine and baby poop because while Mr. Right... time to throw what they make in the garbage. The stench can actually lift a house off its foundation.
SARA. And as my life continues being filled up with runny noses and soiled laundry and sleepless nights, I discover another kid is on the way and here comes another three more months of puking my guts up.
SARA. And the years continue to pass and the wrinkles on my face continue to multiply and my waist begins to expand because with taking care of all those kids I've had no time to go to the gym. And where is the jerk I married now?
SARA. He's off with a new toupee and some young twenty-year old tramp who is going to help him, ... So please keep that in mind the next time you get any more bright ideas to fix me up. Take care and let's have lunch one day. How was that?
Created by: karagoldberg
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