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Aunt Martha

Cue LineBlank
SARA. Yes?
SARA. (Not thrilled with the call) Oh, hello, Aunt Martha. I was just going to call you.
SARA. Yes, I was.
SARA. Okay, I wasn't.
SARA. Lucky guess.
SARA. For food, for clothing, for shelter. For trying to live in New York a couple of steps above the poverty line.
SARA. Yes. But before him she also found four serial killers. Please, Aunt Martha, I'd love to talk to you but I have three days to prepare for a trial and I don't want to go into court with a headache.
SARA. What Judge?
SARA. What about him?
SARA. I have no idea.
SARA. My client is a lowlife, scumbag embezzler.
SARA & AUNT MARTHA. Who's going to take care of you when you get sick?
SARA. I need to go, Aunt Martha. Unless there's something important...
SARA. Noogie? Aunt Martha there's never been a Noogie in my life and most likely it's because anyone with that name is in the penitentiary. Please tell me this Noogie is not someone you're trying to fix me up with.
SARA. The what? (The DOORBELL rings) Oh, God. There's someone at the door right now. Aunt Martha am I going to appreciate this?
SARA. I want him in another apartment. Aunt Martha. Are you crazy?
SARA. You sent me a...
SARA. Aunt Martha, this time you have crossed over the line. Do you realize what you've done? You could go to prison for kidnapping.
SARA. This is insane.
SARA (CONTINUED) He's moaning. He must be coming to. What do I do?
BRANDON. Not enough mayo. (Lights Out)
SARA. Aunt Martha, not that it matters, but why in the world would you want to fix me up with someone who's already engaged?
SARA. Obviously you still don't realize the seriousness of this situation. Listen to me, Aunt Martha. You can go to jail. We can both go to jail. We are involved in a crime.
SARA. Aunt Martha, are you on drugs? Get this through that warped mind of yours. Knocking guys over the head and dragging them off is not an acceptable legal mating process.
SARA. Do me a favor, Aunt Martha, and stop thinking because the noise in your head is ...The paramedics said if I didn't give him mouth to mouth resuscitation they weren't sure if he would have lived.
SARA. Aunt Martha, do you have the yellow pages handy?
SARA. (On phone. Sharply) What?
SARA. Yes, he's here and Noogie's here and you're just very lucky you're not here. You don't listen to me, do you Aunt Martha?
SARA. I can't talk to you. I need to go.
SARA. How about after your third year in Sing-Sing.
Lights Up, Act 2
SARA. I thought he was a goner this time. His throat closed up completely. The paramedics said peanuts can actu ally be more fatal than tuna fish.
SARA. Yes, I did.
SARA. Most of my male clients go to jail because they're guilty. They hire me to get them a lighter... almost choked to death twice. You've got to stop this absurdity, Aunt Martha. He's confused enough and frankly at this point so am I.
SARA. He's not that good. He'll just give you one big headache after another. If I were you, I'd just tear up...Let me tear up yours? Why carry it around if you're never going to use him? (The PHONE RINGS) Excuse me. (Picks up phone) Yes!
SARA. What? Oh, hello, Aunt Martha? What? Cousin Noogie? I was just talking about him?
SARA. Oh, no.
SARA. (To Brandon) Oh, it's just awful. Cousin Noogie. He was walking down the street...
SARA. And an air conditioning unit fell out of the window and killed him.
SARA. (To Brandon) See, I told you those things happen.
SARA. Oh. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Could you hold please. My other line is ringing. (Sara switches to the other line. LIGHTS UP on Aunt Martha in the other comer still being manipulated by the chiropractor)
SARA. Aunt Martha. I think we're in trouble. Brandon's fiancée is on the other line and she wants to talk. I don't know what to do.
SARA. Meet? Yes. Well, uh, maybe you can come up here for lunch. I have a lettuce in the fridge that I have no idea what to do with. SLOW FADE. Lights Up
SARA. We are ruining this poor girl's life and it isn't fair. I made up my mind that when she gets here I'm going to tell her everything.
SARA. The works. That I have an aunt that's a total whacko.
SARA. And I am very stressed. I've got a trial coming up and I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through it. Anyway, right now all I want from you is the promise that these shenanigans are all over and that you will never, ever bother Brandon again.
SARA. I am not.
SARA. I am not.
SARA. Who cares?
SARA. What does that mean?
SARA. No, no. Not again.
SARA. Oh, God. That's either Noogie with Brandon or Heather with a gun.
SARA. Good.
SARA. Aunt Martha. It's Sara.
SARA. Picture this. I wake up one morning and my world is different because now there's a man in my life. He's not in my bed, because it's Sunday morning and he's playing golf with the boys. I walk into the bathroom and what do I find?
SARA. Then along comes pregnancy and with it morning sickness ... my days are filled with trying to get that putrid mashed baby food down their throats which somehow they keep spitting back up on me.
SARA. And the years go by with more baby vomit and more smelly everything and as the kids get bigger and bigger... tutors and school counseling and never-ending-screaming at those brats to stop fighting with each other and do their goddamn homework.
Created by: karagoldberg