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Cue LineBlank
'She's a maniac' ringtone
AUNT MARTHA. Sara, it's Aunt Martha.
AUNT MARTHA. No, you weren't.
AUNT MARTHA. No, you weren't.
AUNT MARTHA. No, you weren't.
AUNT MARTHA. See! Do I know you or do I know you? Right now you're probably slaving away at your stupid computer with a half-eaten tuna salad sandwich that was supposed to be your lunch. (Sara looks at her sandwich to make sure it's tuna salad)
AUNT MARTHA. Work, work, work. For what?
AUNT MARTHA. And all the time letting life pass you by. What you should be doing with that dopey computer is checking all those internet dating services for a soul mate. Your cousin Jennifer found herself a husband that way and what a lovely man he is.
AUNT MARTHA. What about the Judge?
AUNT MARTHA. The one you're going to try your case in front of.
AUNT MARTHA. Is he single?
AUNT MARTHA. Is your client single?
AUNT MARTHA. That's not what I asked you. Think about the future, Sara. You don't want to travel that long road of life alone. Everyone needs someone. And most of all...
AUNT MARTHA. Exactly. I worry about you, Sara. Left to your own devices, I fear you're going to end up an old maid. When I was your age I was already married twice.
AUNT MARTHA. Okay, I'll get right to the point. I'm determined that this year you're going to get married and so I've started the ball rolling on my own. Tonight there's going to be a fellow named Noogie stopping by.
AUNT MARTHA. No, no. Of course not. Noogie is... is well, Noogie is the delivery man.
AUNT MARTHA. I'll hold on. Young people today appreciate very little.(The DOORBELL rings again)
NOOGIE. Sara Hastings?
NOOGIE. I have something for you from your Aunt Martha. (Hands her the brief case) Can you hold this? (He then turns to the right side of the door and begins pulling in a large dolly.) Where do you want him?
NOOGIE. Please, there's nothing to worry about. He's going to be fine. He just got a slight bonk on the noggin. I'll just plop him down on the sofa.
NOOGIE. Not to worry. I'm a total professional. The way I bonk 'em...It sort of works like that meditation crap but I get you there a little faster. Do you want him sitting up or lying down?
AUNT MARTHA. Well, yes, a little bit. But aren't we all to some degree?
AUNT MARTHA. Yes. Isn't he cute? His name is Brandon Cates and I've been trying to get you two together for months. But you resisted, he resisted. It was very frustrating so I was forced to take a different approach.
AUNT MARTHA. No, not kidnapping. Matchmaking. Besides you're a lawyer. You'll see that I get a fair trial. People nowadays are very understanding when it comes to affairs of the heart.
NOOGIE. You want to sign this?
(Brandon begins moaning)
NOOGIE. I could put him under for a little longer if you need. Maybe you want to put on some make-up or something
NOOGIE. That's the beauty of New York. No one pays atten tion to anything. You really have your privacy. Now you want to sign this?
NOOGIE. Your aunt said you're a difficult person.
NOOGIE. (Hands her a business card) Listen, if there's any further need for my services, here's my card. “Noogie Malloy Enterprises.” I'm kind of a jack of all trades. If I can't do it, it can't be done.
NOOGIE. Got'cha. Nice meeting you. I guess a tip is out of the question?
BRANDON. Oh, wow. What happened? Where am I?
BRANDON. Yeah. Water. I'd like some. This is so weird. All I remember is leaving my office, getting on the elevator and then everything went black.
BRANDON. What new flu?
BRANDON. You know what else is weird? Even though my mind feels extremely rested, much of my memory seems to have left me. I'm not sure I even know you.
BRANDON. Then you don't know me?
BRANDON. And I'm in your apartment?
BRANDON. And you just let me in without knowing who I am?
BRANDON. That wasn't very smart. I could be a maniac or something.
BRANDON. Yes. Well, so far. Did I say anything at all when I came to your door?
BRANDON. And you let me in?
BRANDON. You're not a maniac by any chance?
BRANDON. Everything seems so vague. I can't seem to remember my name.
BRANDON. How do you know?
BRANDON. Really? Why would I moan my own name?
BRANDON. Brandon. That sounds...sort of right.
BRANDON. Yes, my wallet. It's still here. So obviously robbery wasn't the motive.
BRANDON. How do you know?
BRANDON. You're right. Wow! There's four hundred dollars in here. I must be doing very well. (Flips to wallet windows) You're right again. it better as soon as things start coming back to me. (Realizes something) Oh, no.
BRANDON. I think I'm a dentist.
BRANDON. No. Not at all. The thought of looking into mouths all day. What a turn off. And then when you lean your patient back you see so much nose hair and other stuff.
BRANDON. Tuna? I'm not sure if I like tuna. Besides, I think we're having dinner.
BRANDON. Yes. I did say “we're" didn't I? Let me think. I believe I'm supposed to meet someone at the theatre tonight and then afterwards we were going out for… Oh-oh.
BRANDON. Oh, my. Joan. I'm taking Joan to the theatre tonight.
BRANDON. My fiancée?
BRANDON. Yes. I believe I'm engaged. I think I'm actually getting married in a few months. I wonder what she's like. What time is it?
BRANDON. I have a feeling I'm always late for everything. That's the trouble with being a dentist... I wonder if I do root canal. There's big money in that. You have very pretty teeth. You don't go to me, do you?
BRANDON. That's right. Well, I'd better get down to the theater.
BRANDON. But what theater? I haven't a clue what play we're seeing? Oh, no.
BRANDON. I have the theatre tickets. “The Phantom of The Opera!” God, is that still running? (Whistles) Whoa! A hundred and twenty bucks a piece! I must really be in love. I need to call Joan. She probably went home.
BRANDON. I don't know. I can't remember that either.
BRANDON. Good idea. My briefcase! My cell's in my briefcase. (Picks up briefcase) Oh, no. It's locked and I can't remember the combination.
BRANDON. No. I couldn't do that. It was a gift from Joan.
BRANDON. Not really, but it had to be. I'm a dentist. What do I need with a briefcase? (Flustered) Can I have some more water?
BRANDON. Nice place.
BRANDON. I like it a lot. Very cozy, very practical. Just where is it located exactly?
BRANDON. The East side? How the heck did I get here? I believe my office is way downtown. (Upset) Oh. Oh, no.
BRANDON. I'm not a dentist. I'm... I'm an insurance salesmen. I need to go to a dentist. I've been having trouble with a loose filling. An insurance salesman. That's even worse than a dentist isn't it?
BRANDON. Hey, maybe that's why I'm up here, to sell you insurance. Were you interested in term or full life with a big cash payment when you check out?
BRANDON. No. I'd better not. It's possible I could be allergic to it. On all the insurance forms they ask what medicines you're allergic to... need a good hospitalization plan? I think I might have something with a low deductible and a high coverage.
BRANDON. Doesn't it. Okay, let's try to back track again. I'm an insurance salesman... In what seems to be a very nice building, in a very desirable neighborhood, obviously close to transporta tion and... Oh-oh.
BRANDON. What a relief. I'm not an insurance salesman after all.
BRANDON. I'm in real estate. Because of my bad crown I was going to check into my dental insurance plan so that's why insurance was on my mind. I'm so glad not to be in that business. You can't believe the phony claims people make.
BRANDON. Yes, yes, I'm a real estate salesman. That's why I was so impressed with this apartment. There's so much crap on the market that when you finally discover something nice you're very excited.
BRANDON. Well, no, I really don't. You can't imagine the difficult people I have to deal with... They agree on nothing. It's kind of sad to see some of these relationships in action and know that they're absolutely doomed. You're not married, right?
BRANDON. The way your place is decorated. Nothing clashes. No compromises ... I think the hardest thing about getting married is resigning your self to the fact that you're actually letting an intruder into your life.
BRANDON. I hope so. Anyway, I really like this place and just in case you decide to sell, keep me in mind. I'll even... I'll send you one. Oh, gee. Forgive me. All the time I've been here, I never asked you your name.
BRANDON. That's a very pretty name, Sara. Well Sara Hastings, thanks for...wait a minute. Hastings, Hastings. I think I know someone with that last name. I'm almost sure I do. Let me think.
BRANDON. Yes. I'll bet I am. Hey. Who's this? I think I know her.
BRANDON. Wait, wait. I've got it. Martha. Martha Hastings. Yes. Of course I know her. That's where I know the name Hastings from. She's one of my clients. Oh... Oh, gosh. What a relief. I'm not in real estate either.
BRANDON. I'm a financial advisor. Wonderful occupation. Very high powered. I deal in stocks, bonds, mutual funds...By any chance do you know how the market did today?
BRANDON. Just as well. You'll live longer. Yes, I'm a financial advisor. Martha is one of my clients. Oh, gosh. That picture ...Oh, wow. I have a great future and I think I take two hours for lunch. Yeah. Martha Hastings. It's starting to come back.
BRANDON. I know. I'd just like to see that picture again if I may.
BRANDON. (Studying the picture) Yes. Martha Hastings. Persistent little lady. She always keeps telling me about this niece of hers she wants me to... Wait a minute. You... you're're not...
BRANDON. So that's why I'm here. To see you. But why? I'm engaged. How do you like that? I'm not even married and I'm already cheating. What a rat I turned out to be. Why would your aunt want to fix you up with a lowlife like me?
BRANDON. Yes, I know. Until I moaned it myself. I don't know. Something just doesn't add up. Actually you're quite attractive. Your Aunt Martha was working so hard to get us together that I was sure you weren't. Maybe I shouldn't have brushed her off.
BRANDON. Well, I am now, but I wasn't when your aunt started in on me. Actually, until she started in on me, I was a confirmed bachelor. But she kept on and on about...
BRANDON. That too.
BRANDON. That was the killer. She wore me down so much that when Joan came into my life, well, I was practically a sitting duck.
BRANDON. Trust me, I had to overcome some major issues. But like the Chinese say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
BRANDON. I'm pretty sure I'll be okay with Joan. She's a terrific girl, not at all demanding, extremely under standing. I think things are going quite nicely with us except Joan is... is... is...
BRANDON. Is really Heather.
BRANDON. Well, yes, there is except she's our real estate agent. That's probably why I thought I was in real estate. Wow...discovering the world all over again. Anyway, my fiancée's name is Heather. Heather Bangor.
BRANDON. You'd think. No, wait. That's where she's from. Bangor, Maine. It's Boyd. Heather Boyd. ...his patients. She works for an insurance company. Look how everything ties up so nicely.
BRANDON. Uh huh. I have to admit she has the patience of a saint because what I like...
BRANDON. Yes. And what Heather likes...
BRANDON. Yes, but Joan assures us it's not that uncommon. Gosh, I've been talking so much, I think I worked up a bit of an appetite. Maybe I will have that half of a sandwich you offered me.
BRANDON. You're definitely not going to eat it?
BRANDON. Thanks. I wonder if Heather would like a place like this? It's hard to tell. I should call her. If only I could remember her number. Gosh, maybe I had a stroke.
BRANDON. Really. How old do you think I am?
BRANDON. Oh, that's nice. Mid-thirties. Then it's time I did get married. I'm probably a lot more settled down now than I was in my twenties. Any guy in your life?
BRANDON. That's too bad.
BRANDON. Oh, I'm sure it is. A pretty girl like you. But I should warn you. Marriage is one of those things that the longer you run away from it, the more fearful it becomes.
BRANDON. I'm not sure. It's just something that just popped into my head. I'm starting to.... (Recalling more) 330-720-7341. Yes, that's it. 330-720-7341. That's Heather's number.
BRANDON. No. Don't. I'm wrong. That's my social security number. Wait, there's something else I'm starting to remember. (Takes a bit out of the sandwich) This sandwich...What kind did you say it was?
BRANDON. Tuna salad. Oh-oh.
BRANDON. I'm deadly allergic to tuna. (Puts down sandwich, grasps his throat and sits back on a chair) Quick. Dial 9-1-1...Hurry! Hurry! My throat is closing. I can't breathe. Hurry!
BRANDON. I also think...
BRANDON. The sandwich...
AUNT MARTHA. Tuna Fish? Poor guy. He doesn't know what he's missing. There's nothing better than tuna salad on rye with a slice of tomato. Some people have no luck.
AUNT MARTHA. Because I liked him and I thought he would like you and as a wedding gift I'd be willing to buy out the other woman. Besides, he's not getting married for several months so we have a nice window of opportunity.
AUNT MARTHA. Oh, grow up. We are involved in the pursuit of love. If the police start locking up well meaning people like us, where will they find room for all the real criminals, the robbers, the killers and almost every politician.
AUNT MARTHA. Well, it worked with the cavemen and I guarantee you they had a much lower divorce rate than what we've got now.
(Brandon begins to moan and stir)
AUNT MARTHA. They're not too far away.
BRANDON. (Sitting up) Where am I?
BRANDON. Right. Which is where?
BRANDON. Last night. Yes. I'm starting to remember. I walked out of my office, into the elevator and then I woke up here.
BRANDON. Then we talked a little bit. It seemed like pleasant conversation and then I had a tuna fish sandwich.
BRANDON. This may sound crazy, but did someone pump something into my body last night?
BRANDON. And I faintly remember getting mouth to mouth,
BRANDON. From one of the paramedics?
BRANDON. Male or female?
BRANDON. Why, am I thinking he was a good kisser?I really need to go. By any chance you wouldn't happen to have a cup of coffee around, would you?
BRANDON. Oh, well, I can probably pick that up on my way...
BRANDON. You can't cook?
BRANDON. Well, since our engagement, Heather made up her mind to conquer the kitchen. In fact, tonight she's preparing dinner for her parents and myself. She's actually making something from a cookbook. That kind of effort tells you a lot about a woman.
BRANDON. Right (Takes the briefcase and begins fidgeting with the combination. Aloud to Sara) Heather is quite committed ....I remember the day I asked her to marry me... (Low and to himself again) ...I felt so old.
BRANDON. Just as well. (The briefcase snaps open)
BRANDON. Thanks. I got my briefcase open. Easy combination. 1-2-3-4. I guess I'm not a very complicated person. Delicious water. I'd better give Heather a call.
BRANDON. (Takes out his cell phone and speed dials) Your aunt said you're a lawyer.
BRANDON. What kind of law?
BRANDON. (Indicating phone) It's ringing. She's most likely at home. She was planning to take the day off because of the dinner tonight. In a way I dread the evening. Her parents are very difficult to make conversation with. They mostly just stare at me.
HEATHER. Really?
BRANDON. Heather! Heather! Heather! These damn cell phones. It's so hard to pick up a signal, sometimes.
BRANDON. No, we were cut off.
BRANDON. That you were seventy.
BRANDON. I didn't want to give her any irrational thoughts about my staying here overnight.
BRANDON. No. I'm afraid your getting involved might make matters worse.
BRANDON. Well, you know how women are.., she'll see how pretty you are and boom, I'll be in the dog house again. Anyway, a dozen long stemmed roses and it will all smooth itself out.
BRANDON. No, that's the antidote. I hope I haven't made her sound difficult. She's really not. Sometimes I think guys have a way of getting into hot water even when there's no reason for it. Very good oatmeal. You can hardly taste the plastic.
BRANDON. I'm still very curious why I ended up here. Your aunt never told me where you live.
BRANDON. What makes you think I was bonked on the head?
BRANDON. (Rubbing his head) You could be right about my being bonked. I can feel a slight bump. Do you think I ought to report this incident to the police?
BRANDON. Actually, not much.
BRANDON. Yeah, you're right. It would just be a lot of red tape for nothing. I guess I'll just forget it.
BRANDON. Well, I'd better get going home. I need to wash up and get down to my office. I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me. Taking me in, calling the paramedics...
BRANDON. No, no, you did. It was the best warmed up any thing I ever had. I wouldn't lose that formula. It works. I just need to get going. (Starts to gathers his things) Anyway, your aunt was right about you. You are a very special girl.
BRANDON. It is, isn't it. Maybe that's why I wasn't interested. You'd be smart to give her some photos to show around. That would make a big difference. (He opens the front door, then turns and extends his hand to her) Goodbye.
BRANDON. Listen, are you sure it was a male paramedic that gave me the mouth to mouth?
BRANDON. Hmmm. Strange. (Lights Fade)
NOOGIE. You want him in the same place?
NOOGIE. I would have been here sooner but there were no cabs around. I had to take the subway.
NOOGIE. Yeah. That's why I was so late. It was murder getting him through the turnstile. (The PHONE RINGS)
AUNT MARTHA. Well Hello to you too
AUNT MARTHA. Well, truthfully, I try not to.
AUNT MARTHA. When should I call back?
NOOGIE. (Approaches Sara with a receipt) You want to sign this?
NOOGIE. I did give you my card, didn't I?
NOOGIE. Let me leave you a few more of them. (He lays some cards on her desk) I've been passing them out everywhere. I expect to get very busy once word gets around about the quality of my work.
NOOGIE. Jeez. You're very unreasonable. No wonder you're not married.
BRANDON. Oh, man. Where am I?
BRANDON. Sara? I'm back at your place again?
BRANDON. It happened exactly the same way. I left my office, stepped into the elevator ... Sara. We need to figure this out. (Rubbing head) And this little lump on my head seems bigger than it was yesterday.
BRANDON. The good news is I don't feel as disoriented as I did before. What time is it?
BRANDON. Oh, no. I was suppose to have dinner with Joan and her parents at eight.
BRANDON. You're right. So maybe my clarity isn't that good. But you know when I went into work today I never felt so serene. My mind didn't seem as cluttered and I didn't feel as anxious about things.
BRANDON (CONTINUED) I'm doing something wrong.
BRANDON. I guess I'd better get over there and straighten things out. (Drinks water) These blackouts are really starting to concern me. I wonder if it's psychological? I hope subconsciously I'm not trying to avoid anything.
BRANDON. I don't know. I absolutely want to marry Heather because ... to admit the decision took a lot more than just having your aunt hammer on me. But I thought I licked that.
BRANDON. No. Visualization. I would lie awake at night and visualize what married life would really be like.
BRANDON. Not really. You see I visualized it at it's very worst.
BRANDON. Because it would be a total fairy tale if I visualized it at it's very best. I thought if I could deal with it at it's very worst, then I'd have nothing to fear.
BRANDON. I thought so. Anyway, I start the process by first visualizing myself in the stronghold of a man's privacy.
BRANDON. Exactly. I've just awakened and as I walk in, I come face to face with strange undergarments hanging all around. Bras, panties, nylons. Get the picture?
BRANDON. From the bathroom I go to the kitchen. The walk is not pleasant.
BRANDON. I have to pass through the living room which is now filled with pictures of all her relatives. ... since the wedding, I've grown to hate. Next, breakfast. I go to the refrigerator and open it. Half of it is filled with slim fast.
BRANDON. Obviously. The reason being what's in the other half of the refrigerator. Baby formula.
BRANDON. Seems that way. I start back towards my bedroom ... humidifier and several hundred Beanie babies that are now covered from head to toe with everything a baby can spit up.
BRANDON. Right. One day I come home from work and in the middle of the bedroom is a pile of my favorite old clothes that my wife has decided to throw out because I haven't worn them in weeks and she needs the closet space.
BRANDON. The new baby. It seems if you can make one, you can make two which mean we now need...
BRANDON. Exactly. So now I have to give up my nice, wonderful, hip New York apartment...every morning, the excitement, the pace, the energy of the city I truly love.
BRANDON. Along the way she makes me get rid of my great little sports car that I .... of upholstery is covered with crusted slobber and sticky kiddy goo. In fact, from now on, everything I touch seems covered with crusted slobber and sticky kiddy goo.
BRANDON. As the kids get bigger my space grows smaller. ... kids are still sleeping in our bedroom. Besides, my wife has no time for sex because she's busy twenty four hours a day figuring out how to put more of her stuff in my closet space.
BRANDON. I know. But you see this was a worst case scenario. Odds are in my favor it could never be this dreadful. Once I realized that, it helped me get over the hump.
BRANDON. No. Should I?
BRANDON. Is that what you would think?
BRANDON. Because?
BRANDON. Because?
BRANDON. Because?
BRANDON. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm just curious to see what you're running away from to make sure I've covered that base.
BRANDON. I've upset you, haven't I? I'm sorry.
BRANDON. I honestly didn't mean to.
BRANDON. I guess I should go.
BRANDON. I feel bad leaving you on such a sour note.
BRANDON. (Uneasy. Indicates Sara's sandwich) That isn't another tuna fish sandwich is it?
BRANDON. Peanut butter and jelly. I haven't had one of those since I was a kid. Do you think maybe I could have...
BRANDON. I know. But I am kind of hungry now. Maybe to hold me over I could have that other half of yours if you don't mind
BRANDON. Thanks. I'm really sorry I got you so upset.
BRANDON. Well, I'm not going to bother you anymore. At least I'm going to try not to bother you, which is another thing that bothers me, why I keep bothering you. I mean showing up here like I do, it doesn't make any sense.
BRANDON. I'm sorry. I'll just finish this and go.
BRANDON. (Biting into the sandwich) This sandwich is delicious.
BRANDON. You wouldn't happen to have some milk would you? I remembered how wonderful peanut butter and jelly tastes with milk.
BRANDON. Too bad. You should drink milk. Calcium. Very good for your bones. Especially as a person ages... Gets older.
BRANDON. I'm sorry. I didn't mean older, older. I meant older as... in...I've upset you even more. Well, I'll just finish this sandwich and I'll go.
BRANDON. (A beat) Maybe you'd like to come to the wed ding?
BRANDON. Mine and Heather's.
BRANDON. Why not?
BRANDON. That's what I like about you. You're totally up front. You hide nothing. You should have been a guy. I wouldn't be surprised if you'd be my best friend.
BRANDON. I understand. (Takes another bite of his sandwich) Well, I guess I'll be going.
BRANDON. I really upset you. Frankly, it's because I think I got you thinking about things. You're apparently just as frightened about marriage as I was.
BRANDON. I've upset you, haven't I?
BRANDON. What about sex?
BRANDON. (Stuffs the rest of the sandwich in his mouth) You're right. I need to go. Well, thanks again for everything and...(Starts gasping) Oh, oh.
BRANDON. (Pointing to his throat) It's closing up...My... throat's...closing up again.
BRANDON. I...I can't... I can't... I think it's the... the peanut butter. You'd better dial 9-1-1. Hurry! Hurry! (He then collapses on sofa)
AUNT MARTHA. A lot of people become allergic to peanuts. It's very common. You can eat them for years and years and suddenly overnight they turn on you.
AUNT MARTHA. Did you give him mouth to mouth again?
AUNT MARTHA. See. Something good comes from everything. Oh, Sara. It's wonderful to see you're so concerned for a man. I'll bet if you exhibited these feelings before not so many of your male clients would have gone to jail.
(Brandon starts to moan)
BRANDON. Oh, wow, my chest is killing me. Did I get pumped again?
BRANDON. And mouth to mouth? I got that too, right?
BRANDON. I'm really worried. I'm starting to like that. Peanut butter. Go figure. My stomach feels like it's been scoured out with steel wool.
BRANDON. The check out person must have been very im pressed.
BRANDON. Thanks. I'll get right on it. Listen, I'm sorry about last night and unloading my marriage hang-ups on you. I was being a total jerk.
BRANDON. I guess we were just two upset people. I was upset about my marriage concerns and you were upset because I upset you. Anyway, I think all I needed was a good rest because I absolutely don't feel apprehensive about the marriage anymore.
BRANDON. No. You were right. I need to think happiness. I need to think, joy, romance and love. I plan to start ..the very minute I leave here. I wouldn't be at all sur prised if it does the trick.
BRANDON. Right. Besides, It's gone too far. She has her silver pattern picked out. Her linens, her crystal. Just because I'm a little apprehensive doesn't mean it's not going to work out and that Heather and I won't live happily ever after, right?
BRANDON. Nothing. Noogie Malloy Enterprises? Damn. My cell is dead. Mind if I use yours?
BRANDON (CONTINUED) Heather! Heather! Why am I so dumb? Noogie Malloy Enterprises? (Calls off to Sara) Who is Noogie Malloy?
BRANDON. I said, who is Noogie Malloy? (drops tray) Are you okay?
BRANDON. Let me help you clean this up.
BRANDON. Yes. She hung up on me. You're right. I've got to stop lying. But I did it so she wouldn't think any thing funny was going on between us. Sometimes, in certain situations, you need to lie.
BRANDON. Anyway, I'll just pick up more roses.
BRANDON. Good advice. I'm sure I'll have it all straightened out by tonight. We're going to an art exhibit. I don't really like the artist, but she's a friend of Heather's. She's into penises.
BRANDON. The artist. That's all she paints, penises. All sizes, shapes and colors and larger than life. I hate her work. I always leave feeling very inadequate. You smell very nice.
BRANDON. I'll call her from my office. Now tell me, who Noogie Malloy is. (drops tray) Are you all right?
BRANDON. Sure. But now I'm curious. Who is this Noogie Malloy? You have a bunch of his cards on your desk and I found one in my pocket.
BRANDON. Yes. Who is he?
BRANDON. A cousin.
BRANDON. So what was his card doing in my jacket pocket?
BRANDON. Are you having trouble understanding me? You keep repeating everything.
BRANDON. Downtown.
BRANDON. Explains what?
BRANDON. I don't remember anyone passing out any card to me.
BRANDON. I guess it is possible.
BRANDON. What does he do?
BRANDON. Your cousin. It doesn't say what he does on his card.
AUNT MARTHA. Is he still there?
AUNT MARTHA. What about cousin Noogie? He's not a cousin.
BRANDON & AUNT MARTHA. What happened?
AUNT MARTHA. Oh, the poor man. And to think I put him on a retainer.
BRANDON. I'm terribly sorry.
BRANDON. Your cousin Noogie.
BRANDON. Yes, well, once again, thanks for everything you've done.
BRANDON. Was it?
BRANDON. Goodbye, Sara. I need to do one more thing.
BRANDON. This. (kiss) Thank goodness. I knew it wasn't the paramedics. (EXITS. THE PHONE RINGS.)
HEATHER. He what?
HEATHER. Is this Sara Hastings?
HEATHER. This is Heather Boyd, Brandon Cates' fiancée.
HEATHER. Brandon called me from your phone a few minutes ago.
HEATHER. I think we need to talk.
AUNT MARTHA. Sara, what's wrong with you? I called up Noogie and he's healthy as a horse.
AUNT MARTHA. Oh. Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll come up with something. (Hangs Up)
HEATHER. Better yet. I think we need to meet, face to face.
AUNT MARTHA. Let me have that again. You invited Heather up to your apartment?
AUNT MARTHA. Really? How much of everything?
AUNT MARTHA. You know, Sara, I really resent the word whacko. Can't you use something a little more digni fied like "odd" or "eccentric"? Anyway, all I know is that this is the most involved you've ever been with a man and I am very encouraged.
AUNT MARTHA. Oh, Sara, I just love the fact that you're so concerned about him.
AUNT MARTHA. You are so.
AUNT MARTHA. You are so.
AUNT MARTHA. You do. Anyway, I can't make any promises because the wheels of progress are already in motion.
AUNT MARTHA. Brandon should be arriving about now.
AUNT MARTHA. Please, Sara. I've gone through a lot of trouble to get you two this far. Try and help the effort. (DOORBELL)
AUNT MARTHA. Just rise to the occasion darling. I know you can do it.
BRANDON. Are you really?
BRANDON. I have a little gift for you.
BRANDON. Cousin Noogie, remember? Apparently the air conditioner ... was putting it all together, in the corner of my eye I saw him lift his arm with a little metal object in his hand and I turned around and decked him.
BRANDON. I wasn't trying to impress you. I was trying to protect... What the hell is wrong with this city? Where's their sense of responsibility? Where's their concern for their fellow citizen? Where's their grasp of civic duty?
SARA. It's terrible isn't it? I think one of us should write a letter to the New York Times.
BRANDON. Anyway, I went through his pockets and found these cards of his. (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of Noo gie's cards and hands them to Sara) Noogie Malloy Enterprises. I knew just where to bring him.
BRANDON. Your aunt? She's behind this?
BRANDON. I'm engaged.
BRANDON. Your aunt. Damn, I knew she was a loon.
BRANDON. No, wait. Don't cry. Please, don't cry. I'm really not very good with women that cry.
BRANDON. Not at all.
BRANDON. Please, don't. I can deal with anything but a woman crying
BRANDON. Well, maybe it's good to do it once in a while. I read where crying does have some beneficial function.
BRANDON. Yes, but you don't wear any make up.
BRANDON. I noticed a lot of things about you, Sarah. You're a very special girl.
BRANDON. Okay, how about attractive?
BRANDON. Very soft, extremely soft...
BRANDON. Like what?
HEATHER. Yes. Sara?
HEATHER. That's the briefcase case I bought Brandon.
HEATHER. You're still here? BRANDON. (Desperate. Rising) Yes, but uh, I can explain everything, right, Sara?
HEATHER. And that's it. A screwball aunt that wants to fix up her unmarried niece.
HEATHER. Well, yes, I see that now. But you can understand my concern. Brandon was a confirmed ...every now and then I got the feeling that he might be having a case of buyers remorse.
HEATHER. Good, because I've got my heart set on being your wife, Brandon and I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that. Anyway, it's quite clear to me that Aunt Martha needs to be dealt with.
HEATHER. It's very possible that long after Brandon and I have married, she could still be bonking him on the head and dragging him off to you.
HEATHER. I'm not sure Aunt Martha is sane enough to trust. I have a psycho uncle who lives in fear of being abducted ...take the chance of waking up one morning on Mars. I don't think your Aunt Martha is going to back off until...
HEATHER. Well, yes, we think so, but that doesn't mean they won't hit it off. There are a number of boring couples who adore each other. Oh, I'm so sorry, Sara. I hope that didn't sound like I was insinuating that you were boring?
HEATHER. No it did not. Look, I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but who's best interests are you looking out for, hers or mine?
BRANDON. I'm sorry.
NOOGIE. (Indicating Sara) Talk to my lawyer.
NOOGIE. Hey, it's not my idea. I'm just the messenger. Your aunt is ...someone else. Believe it or not, I'm in a very competitive business. There are tons of women out there looking for Mr. Right. Now what about lunch? Anything in the kitchen?
HEATHER. Okay, so Tim, Bert, and Jonathan are out. What about a dating service? We'll take a photo of Sara and have it air brushed. She's bound to get someone.
HEATHER. Of course I do.
AUNT MARTHA. Ooooohm! Ooooohm! (The PHONE RINGS. She puts on her head set and continues to stay in the lotus position) Martha here.
AUNT MARTHA. Sara, dear. How's it going? I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Oooohm! Oooohm!
AUNT MARTHA. I give up.
BRANDON. Yeah, but my Lazy-Boy is orange.
BRANDON. (To Heather) I thought about it and I'm stopping the Monday night football.
HEATHER. (To Brandon) She's quite graphic, isn't she?
BRANDON. Well, yeah. You said you wanted one, remember?
AUNT MARTHA. Honey, should I come over there with some Valium?
BRANDON. Heather! Look what you've done. You've scared the hell out of her.
BRANDON. Right now, I don't know what I am. I'd better go after her before she throws herself in front of a bus. (EXITS)
NOOGIE. Can't help you. I missed the conversation. Anyway, I made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I haven't had one of these since I was a kid. They're delicious. This is my second one. You really should have milk with these. Oh. Oooooh. Oooooooh.
(He begins choking and grabs at his neck)
NOOGIE. I don't know. My throat. It's clogging up. I can't breathe.
Lights up (The DOORBELL RINGS)
BRANDON. Look, this afternoon I left a bit irritated.
BRANDON. How about, because you like me?
BRANDON. Heather broke our engagement.
BRANDON. She really wasn't ready for marriage with me anymore than I was with her. We both were settling and we let it go too far. Anyway, better to be disap pointed today rather than regretful tomorrow.
BRANDON. Now I need to address something else. I did the visualization bit again right before I came over. My bathroom filled with bras and panties, a life in subur bia with six kids and tons of baby vomit and so on and so on.
BRANDON. And when it was your bras and panties and our six kids, I felt nothing but happiness, joy, romance and love. It was wonderful.
BRANDON. There was. Heather broke up with me over two hours ago.
BRANDON. I want to bring my stadium size TV and my orange Lazy-Boy lounge chair here.
BRANDON. Why not?
NOOGIE. Hi, kid. It's from your aunt. She said she's disappointed things didn't work out with Brandon so she's sending you the Chiropractor.
Created by: karagoldberg
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