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Conflict Terms 3
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| What is facework? (part of face negotiation theory) | the communication behaviors people use to build and protect their own face and/or to protect, build, or threaten the face of another person |
| What are face saving tactics? | Prevent or stop anticipated face threats |
| What are face restoration tactics? | Trying to recover or protect face after losing face |
| What are the eight face restoration tactics? Review (wasn't bolded on her slides) | • Apologies • Excuses/Justification • Humor • Lying • Avoidance • Blame • Remediation (Taking corrective actions to fix a mistake) • Aggression |
| What are the five types of apology? | • Planned Change • Accept Responsibility • Make Restitution • Expressing Regret • Request Forgiveness |
| What is a planned change apology? | Make a specific plan for changing behavior. Have a sincere drive to do better Ex. "I will work on...", "I will address...", "I will not..." |
| Why might you prefer a planned change apology? | • You need proof that someone is growing and working toward change. • You need assurance that you won't be let down the next time around. • Words aren't enough for you to believe someone is sorry |
| What are obstacles in utilizing a planned change apology? | • When we are not sure what we can do or if it is possible to change behavior moving forward. • This form of apology requires follow through action. Not doing so can damage the relationship more In-note: trust can factor in; you may not want to help |
| What is an accept responsibility apology? | When someone earnestly admits they were wrong to do what they did. The person should be able to explain what they did wrong and why it was wrong. Ex. "I should have...", "I know it wasn't okay...", |
| Why might you prefer an accept responsibility apology? | • You want someone to take ownership of the hurt they caused. • You want someone to clearly state what they did wrong, to prove they can learn from the mistake. • You don't want to hear excuses |
| What are obstacles in utilizing an accept responsibility apology? | • Sometimes admitting we made a mistake is a threat to our psychological need for identity • Sometimes we genuinely do not know what we did wrong or that it was that big of a deal |
| What is a make restitution apology? | Finding a way to correct the situation so that justice is served. This typically involves the person doing something to “make up” for what they did Ex. Giving a gift, "I broke it, let me pay", "I will take care of chores since I've been slacking" |
| Why might you prefer a make restitution apology? | • You find it important that the person "makes things right again." • You appreciate it when people put in work to make things up to you through tangible actions. • You want someone to take the lead in a situation. • You value justice and fairness |
| What are obstacles in utilizing a make restitution on apology? | • Sometimes it is hard to know what the other person would view as fair restitution of a particular conflict. • Sometimes we are not able to give people what they would want in terms of justice. |
| What is an expressing guilt apology? | Admitting guilt or shame regarding the hurt caused. This form of apology emphasizes a recognition of harm caused, a desire to “take back” what happened Ex. "I feel bad I hurt you," "I'd do anything to undo it," "I wish I had been more thoughtful |
| Why might you prefer an expressing guilt apology? | • You want someone to acknowledge the hurt they caused. • You want someone to genuinely express that they regret their actions. • You want to feel validated in your emotions |
| What are obstacles in utilizing an expressing guilt apology? | • Sometimes it can be hard to empathize with why someone is hurt if we would not feel the same way. • Sometimes actions that we don’t regret can hurt people and it can be hard to express regret for hurt caused while not expressing regret for actions. |
| What is a request forgiveness apology? | Asking someone for forgiveness so that the other person has the power to decide if the conflict is over Ex. "I'm so sorry, please forgive me," "I'll do whatever if it makes you forgive me," "Will you accept my apology?" |
| Why might you prefer a request forgiveness apology? | • want the person to recognize the need for forgiveness. • need to know the person acknowledges you have power in deciding next steps. • want to know the person is willing to wait and continue to work on the relationship until you are ready to forgive |
| What are obstacles in utilizing a request forgiveness apology? | • Sometimes we fear giving other people power in a relationship or we fear they will reject us if given the opportunity. • People have the right to refuse to give forgiveness, so we might react badly if they do not do what we expect (accept it). |
| True or False: You might use a combination of the types of apologies (not bolded on her slides) | True |
| What are verbal examples of apologies that will fuel conflict? (not bolded on her slides) | • “I’m sorry but….” • “I’m sorry you feel that way.” • “Ok! Ok! I said I’m sorry.” • “I’m sorry. Happy?” • I will apologize if… |
| What are nonverbal (aka not sentences you say) examples of apologies that will fuel conflict? (not bolded on her slides) | • Sounding annoyed or angry when you apologize • Getting angry if the other person does not immediately accept apology. • Saying you will change but then repeating the behavior that caused conflict. |
| What should you keep in mind about apologies? | • Make sure your body language matches your apology. • Consider whether your apology will be sincere (delay if not) • Do not blame (avoid “you” statements). • Avoid excuses (can explain why, but doesn't excuse) • Don’t deny our own bad behavior |
| What are the four steps for if you do not think you did anything wrong? | 1. Acknowledge the Emotion, Not Just the Event 2. Seek Understanding Before Responding 3. Consider a “Partial Apology” that treats the problem as a third entity 4. Be honest that you can’t sincerely apologize, without dismissing them |
| What does step 1. Acknowledge the Emotion, Not Just the Event entail? | You can validate how the other person feels. Ex: “I understand that what I did hurt you. That wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry you were hurt." |
| What does step 2. Seek Understanding Before Responding entail? | Ask questions to uncover what they need: • “Can you tell me more about what upset you?” • “What would help you feel better about this?” |
| What does step 3. Consider a “Partial Apology” that treats the problem as a third entity entail? Example only. | Ex. “I’m sorry that this situation caused frustration. |
| What does step 4. Be honest that you can’t sincerely apologize, without dismissing them entail? Example only. | Ex. “I’ll be honest, I stand by what I did and so I don’t think I can sincerely apologize in the way you want me to.” |
| What is important to remember about apologizing when you don't think you did anything wrong? | it is okay to ask for time to process what they said |
| What are the four types of support/social support? | Emotional, instrumental, informational. and appraisal |
| What is the emotional type of support? | Expressions of empathy, love, trust, and caring • “I'm sorry you're going through this.” • “That sounds really frustrating. I can understand why you're upset.” • “I'm here for you if you need to talk.” • Give someone a hug |
| What is the instrumental type of support? | Tangible/material aid or act of service • Buying a gift • Offering to run an errand or help with a project • Offering to do something together |
| What is the informational type of support? | Advice, suggestions, and information • “Have you tried…” • “I heard some information that might help you.” • “I would probably do _____________ if I were you |
| What is the appraisal type of support? | Information that is useful for self-evaluation. Words of affirmation. • “I think you handled that situation as well as you could have.” • “You're being too hard on yourself.” • “You are awesome.” • “Thank you for being willing to talk about this.” |
| True or False: When we approach someone about a conflict, we are often seeking support in how they respond to it | True |
| What is important to remember for when you are receiving support? | Be assertive and ask for what you need (or don’t need). Ex. “I know you give great advice, but right now I just want to vent so can you hold off on giving advice until I’m ready to hear it." |
| The rest of the support topics (aside from types) is not bolded so... | Review the slideshow |
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