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| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| GIRL / GUY. We broke up. | KIM. Oh no! HANK. Oh man. GIRL. It's okay. |
| GUY. We both saw it coming. | KIM. What happened? |
| HANK. How'd you screw it up? | GIRL. (Simultaneous:) Maybe he got a little distant. GUY. (Simultaneous:) Maybe she got a little needy. KIM. I'm so sorry. |
| GIRL. It's fine. | HANK. Yeah but you know what's worse than a breakup? |
| GUY. What? | HANK. This 40-yard touchdown. BAM! (Beat.) Sorry. |
| HANK/KIM. What are you gonna do? | GIRL. I think I'll take a break. |
| GUY. What do you think I should do? | KIM. No you have to- |
| HANK / KIM. -get back in the game | GUY. It's not too soon? |
| HANK. It's never too soon. | GIRL. Are you sure that's a good idea? |
| KIM. (As she lays down her Scrabble tiles:) What's a good idea is a "Q" on Triple-Letter Score. BAM! (Beat.) You were saying... | GUY. You really think I should start dating again. |
| HANK. Absolutely. | GIRL. You're sure? |
| KIM. Rebounding is tough, but you'll pull through it. | HANK. Rebounding is awesome. |
| GUY. All right- | GIRL / GUY. -I'll do it. |
| KIM. Nice! | HANK. Sweet! |
| KIM. And no matter what, at least we learned a valuable lesson. | HANK. And at least we learned a valuable lesson. |
| GUY/GIRL. What? | KIM. Three times "Q" is 30. |
| HANK. Scoring 62 points really strains your thumbs. | GIRL. Thanks. |
| GUY. Thanks. | KIM / HANK. Rematch? |
| NEXT SCENE | |
| GUY. So on your profile it said you're an E.R. doctor? | DONNA. Yes. Trauma surgeon. |
| GUY. That's amazing. | DONNA. Thank you for saying so. It is rewarding work. What do you do? |
| GUY. Well it's gonna sound trivial in comparison, but... | DONNA. One moment. This is rather important... Where did we leave off? Ah yes, trauma surgery. It was my aspiration from a young age and it remains a genuine passion. |
| GUY. That's great. | DONNA. You were saying what you do. One moment. (Answers.) Dr. Johnson ... Yes... A blind date ... It's going fine. ... 4 out of 10. ... Moderately attractive. ... He's contributed nothing to the conversation. ... Good evening. |
| GUY. You know I could hear you. | DONNA. That is a flagrant breach of doctor-patient confidentiality. Dr. Johnson. . ... David, yes. ... I concur that we never should have terminated our relationship. Will gladly resume. Regroup in one hour. ... I love you, too. |
| GUY. Who's David? | DONNA. One moment. (Answers.) Dr. Johnson... |
| GUY. Okay, can you please turn off your phone? It's just rude. DONNA. It's the hospital. A ten-year-old needs a heart transplant. GUY. Oh no... | DONNA. Try and have a least some respect for a child's life. |
| GUY. I am so sorry. | DONNA. In actuality, I just punked you. It's David again. (To the phone:) Marry me tonight. |
| NEXT SCENE | |
| GIRL / GUY. I give up. | KIM. No you don't. |
| GUY. It's hopeless out there. | HANK. I'm sure it's not that bad. |
| GIRL. I have zero optimism for the human race. | GUY. What if any of these people reproduce? |
| KIM. You just have to keep trying. | HANK. Rebounding is important. |
| KIM. The chance of success is always low. | HANK. You know the old saying: if you wanna make an omelet, you gotta shoot for the moon. |
| (KIM turns to HANK. We now realize they're in the same room.) | KIM. That wasn't even close to right. |
| GUY. Wait, is that Kim?GIRL. Are you with my ex-boyfriend's best friend?! | HANK. (Overlapping:) Ahhhhh I got a call coming in! Gotta go! KIM. (Overlapping:) Ahhhhh my signal's really bad all of a sudden! HANK / KIM. KEEP TRYING!! |
| GIRL. Kim? | GUY. Hank? |
| HANK. Think they'll be okay? | KIM. Yeah, they're fine. |
| HANK. All right Scrabble Queen-you just sit back while I take this kickoff to the house. (After a quick amount of button-pressing for them both, a whistle blows on the game.) | KIM. (Dripping with sarcasm, as if she's serious:) Oh. What happened? So when I tackle you at your own ten-yard line, do you get points for that? Oh, you don't? That's weird. |
| HANK. I hate you. | |
| NEXT SCENE | |
| GUY. Believe it or not, this is my first experience with a dating app. | JACKIE. No... |
| GUY. Yeah. I'm more of a-more of an in-person kinda person. Sort of old-fashioned. | JACKIE. Oh I'm the opposite. I only set up dates from my phone. |
| GUY. Really? | JACKIE. imho it's the best way tbh. |
| GUY. Sorry, say again? | JACKIE. imho it's the best way tbh. |
| GUY. tbh? | JACKIE. Ohhhhhh... OMG, OMG, OMG. You said you're old-fashioned, so you're a noob who doesn't get how to talk online! lmao! lulz! *facepalm* |
| GUY. Well I've heard some of it, but generally not out loud. | JACKIE. That. is. adorbs! rofl! You're like a walking #tbt. So tell me about yourself in less than 140 characters. |
| GUY. Uh, well before quarantine I got into skydiving... | JACKIE. OMG, yolo, fomo. GUY. Also my sister's pregnant. JACKIE. Uhhh, TMI! jk jk jk... |
| GUY. So can I ask you something? | JACKIE. Yassss queen! AMA! |
| GUY. What do you do for a living? | JACKIE. Oh-well I spend about half my work day on TikTok, and the rest Gramming. And when I'm lookin' for luuuuv-jk, lol-I'm on Tinder, Bumble, J-Date-y'know, the yoozh. |
| GUY. Wait, J-Date? | JACKIE. Yep! |
| GUY. Isn't that for Jewish singles? | JACKIE. Yep! |
| GUY. Didn't your profile say you were Catholic? | JACKIE. Yep! |
| GUY. Then why are you on J-Date? | JACKIE. Why are you on J-Date? |
| GUY. I'm not on J-Date. | JACKIE. So I have a few more FAQs, e.g. What's your favorite gif? |
| GUY. [...] | JACKIE. Oh no I can tell you're lost again and BTDubs that's totes redonkadonk. It's like I speak English and you speak Canadian. |
| GUY. That doesn't make sense. | JACKIE. You make me laugh. Winky face. omg, you're so confused; you're like ttyl, #whuuut?? |
| GUY. Listen, I just gotta be honest: That whole...dialect ...is kind of exhausting. | JACKIE. Frowny face. |
| GUY. Sorry, I'm just used to standard talking. | JACKIE. Frowny face with a single tear. #sadselfie. |
| GUY. I'm not saying it's bad; maybe it's just a little unusual? | JACKIE. WTF... W. T. F-ing. F! You know what? Eff this date. EFF IT. I'm leaving. But before I do? FYI? I've already turned this whole date into a meme that just got rofl emojis from both my roommate and my mom. So you tell me who got the last laugh! |
| GUY. lol...? | |
| NEXT SCENE | |
| GUY. So your profile said you're a psychiatrist? | CLEO. No, that was a typo. |
| GUY. Oh, psychologist? | CLEO. Psychic. I know-obviously it's an incredible career, but there are drawbacks to clairvoyance... so I had to cancel my trip to Cancun. I know what you're thinking: Sunburns are the worst! See how I knew what you were thinking? |
| GUY. (Reluctantly:) So what made you become a psychic? | CLEO. What made me become a psychic? I anticipated that question. Here's how:... Then I took the test, and failed. A flawless prediction. In that moment I knew I'd become a psychic. And then a week later? I became a psychic! Another flawless prediction. |
| GUY. But all of those are things you can control. | CLEO. How about a free reading? |
| GUY. Oh I'm not interested. CLEO. I insist! Show me your foot. GUY. Sorry, what? | CLEO. Your foot. In the movies psychics read palms, but real psychics read feet. Take off your shoe. |
| GUY. I don't think I'm comfortable with this. | CLEO. Is he comfortable with this? "Signs point to Yes." |
| GUY. Fine. | CLEO. The feet have a spiritual connection to the earth. Since they so often touch the ground... ether. Interesting. This crease between your heel and midsole tells me that you like sports. Is it true that you like sports? |
| GUY. I like sports. | CLEO. Yes. I see that right here. Sports... I knew it. And your history line is right there below.... (She seems troubled, like she's about to reveal something disturbing from his past.) When you were a teenager... did you attend a high school? |
| GUY. I did. | CLEO. Yes. High school. Yes. |
| GUY. Listen, can we just stop? You haven't told me anything not obvious. | CLEO. Oh, but here comes the grand finale... Closer, please. No no-much closer. CLOSER.Ah yes. Ready? Your favorite music is sixties R&B, you live in a second floorapartment on Fifth Street, and your mother's name is Doris. |
| GUY. Wait, what?! How did you know that? | CLEO. Knowledge is feet. |
| GUY. That's amazing! What else can you tell me? | CLEO. Only that you wake up every morning at eight, you just binge-watched Breaking Bad, your fantasy team is in third place, and you've reached the Jurassic Pork level on Angry Birds. |
| GUY. (Simply:) You hacked my phone, didn't you...? | CLEO. "Signs point to Yes." |
| NEXT SCENE | |
| GUY. You sort of have the wrong idea, on multiple levels. | ALEX. These prices be outrageous. |
| GUY. Look, I'm not interested in male companionship. Or, for that matter, pirate companionship. | ALEX. Companionship?! Yer skull be hollow. What I require is a scurvy crew of buccaneers to seek out the treasure of Crossbones Cove. |
| GUY. So I've gotta run? I double-parked my ship. | ALEX. Yarrr, I hate that. |
| GIRL. Deja vu all over again. | GUY. You can say that again. |
| GIRL. Deja v-Never mind. | GUY. Right. |
| GUY. (Notices PAUL:) So you're dating? | GIRL. Yeah. (Notices ALEX:) You too? GUY. Apparently. |
| GIRL. How's it going? | GUY. (Slightly overlapping:) Oh great. Really fantastic. GIRL. (Slightly overlapping:) Me, too. Having a good time. |
| GUY. All right, no, it's awful. | GIRL. Yeah, okay, fine, same. |
| GUY. So listen, I had an idea: I don't think we should get back together only because the dating pool sucks... | GIRL. Yeah. |
| GUY. It feels less like a dating pool and more like a kiddie pool. (Beat.) You know how the water in a kiddie pool is mostly- | GIRL. (Please stop:) No I get it. |
| GUY. Right, so I think it's unhealthy- | GIRL. (Overlapping:) -unhealthy to restart a relationship because we're desperate. I agree. |
| GUY. Good. | GIRL. Okay, how about this: We were a couple before we were ever friends. What if we start from scratch-as friends-and then take it a day at a time. |
| GUY. A day at a time. I like it. | GIRL. Deal? |
| GUY. Deal. | GIRL. So... wanna get some ice cream? |
| GUY. Believe it or not, I do like ice cream. | GIRL. Oh, but one condition? |
| GUY. Yeah? | GIRL. Set your pirate Halloween costume on fire. |
| GUY. Good idea. | THE END |
Created by:
27trevorplat