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Check Pls- GUY Lines
Check Please Lines for GUY
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| It's great to finally meet you. | Definitely |
| So how did you- | Wait, sorry-do you mind if I check on the Bears game real quick? |
| Oh, of course. | (As she pulls out her phone to check:) Thanks. Just my luck a playoff game hits overtime right before a date. |
| No worries. | (As she checks:) Thanks. I love the Bears. What a secondary, right? (Sees score; puts phone away:) Okay, moving on. So Laura's told me tons about you. |
| Oh great; no pressure. | (They laugh together) I'm just gonna check one more time. |
| Okay. | Actually, is it cool if I listen to the game while we chat? Don't worry - I'm a great multitasker. |
| Sure. | What's up? What's up is that our fullback fumbled. That's what's up. We jumped on it, but come on: You gotta have better ball security. You gotta. But sorry, you were saying? |
| I don't think I was saying. | Are you joking?! Pass the ball!! It's third and long!! Who runs on third and long?! |
| The Bears...? | Oh I'm being loud... |
| Loud's a relative term. | I'm sorry. But silver lining: this place has a crËme br˚lÈe that just melts in your- A DRAW PLAY ON FOURTH DOWN? A DRAW PLAY ON FOURTH DOWN? A DRAW PLAY ON FOURTH DOWN? |
| We could go to a sports bar. | Oh I wouldn't do you that to you. And the game's basically over. (Takes a deep breath.) All right, I'm done. Let's order. |
| Laura said the flatbread's good..... Not a flatbread fan. | They lost |
| Oh. | They lost. The season's over. |
| I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do? | The Bears suck... |
| No... | They do... They suck |
| They'll bounce back- | THE BEARS SUCK. |
| The Bears suck. | (Blackout.) |
| Next Scene | |
| It's nice to meet you. | Same |
| Man this menu's huge. | I can never decide when the menu's so big. I can be picky. |
| Ooh! I'm definitely getting the sea bass. What about you? | Nothing really leaps out. |
| Really? Why don't you tryyyy-the pork chops. | Nooo, too dry. |
| Okay. The shrimp scampi. | Nooo, too moist. |
| Oh. | I actually have mild case of hygrophobia. |
| Hygrophobia? | It's the fear of dampness. |
| . Oh, okay. How about the eggplant parmesan? | . Porphyrophobia. |
| What's that? | Fear of purple. |
| You could get the cheese plate. | Coprastasophobia. |
| Fear of? | Constipation. |
| What about the sushi? | Japanophobia. (Beat.) It's the fear of- |
| No, I got it. What about this Hawaiian fish? Let's see if I can pronounce it right: Humuhumunukunukuapua'a'. | That actually sounds delicious. |
| Great! | But I suffer from a rare case of hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. |
| Which is? | Fear of long words. |
| Okay! How about this: peanut butter and jelly. | Sorry |
| What could possibly be wrong with peanut butter and jelly? | I recently developed arachibutyrophobia. |
| Fear of sandwiches? | Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of my mouth. |
| So what can you eat? | Not much. I do have sitiophobia. |
| Fear of? | Food. |
| Right. So if you have all of these dietary issues, why dinner? | Good question. |
| Okay, so how about we just call it a night? | Ooh, I can't. |
| Why not? | Anuptaphobia? |
| What's that? Fear of staying single for the rest of your life? | Yes. |
| Oh. | On the other hand it's probably best we end the date now, on account of my deiphnophobia. |
| Fear of? | Dinner conversations. |
| Okay, well in that case, have a good night. (GUY extends his hand for a friendly handshake.) | Fair enough! Just give me twenty minutes. |
| Next scene | |
| So nice to meet you. | Likewise! Julia's told me all about you. |
| You've been friends for a while, right? (While GUY speaks the above line, PEARL quickly and slickly steals a fork. GUY thinks he saw wrong. PEARL continues on as if nothing has happened.) | Seriously, Julia is my favorite. And she's got great taste, so when she told me about you, I was definitely on board. |
| That's-great... | No, really, I've been looking forward to this for a while. |
| (As PEARL takes the flower:) I'm flattered. | You hungry? I'm about ready. |
| I'm pretty hungry-you know, I can see that you're stealing. You don't have to play it off like you're not. | What are you talking about? |
| (As PEARL steals a plate:) I'm sitting right here- You just stole that plate. | Wow, that's a cruel accusation. |
| Accusation? I'm watching you steal those sugar packets right now. You really think I don't notice. | Look, I don't know what your problem is with me as a person, but this is really insulting. I'd better go. |
| Wait. Listen: if you'll stop stealing things, I won't get on your case. Okay? | Okay... |
| Yeah? | Yeah... |
| Great. SO where are you from-? | BLACKOUT |
| Next scene | |
| It's nice to finally meet you. | Likewise. (LINDA and GUY shake hands.) |
| LINDA. Ugh-where are my manners? This is Walter. WALTER. Hey, man; how's it goin'? (WALTER and GUY shake hands.) | GUY. I'm sorry-Walter...? |
| WALTER. It's on your profile. LINDA. You sure? WALTER. Yep. LINDA. Well I stand corrected. (Beat.) | GUY. (Remaining respectful:) So, is this a medical condition, or- |
| LINDA. Oh, no no no no no-nothing like that. WALTER. Yeah, this one just hates flying solo on blind dates. LINDA. Oh, this is my fault. WALTER. Well it's not my fault. LINDA. Well agree to disagree. WALTER. Fine. | GUY. Sorry-explain again what's happening right now? |
| LINDA. You've seen that movie The Shining where that kid speaks with his finger? Y'know, "Redrum"? That's Walter. WALTER. Oh ... talking finger? LINDA. Stop it... WALTER. I'm that insignificant? LINDA. You are overreacting. WALTER. Am I? | GUY. I'm still confused. |
| LINDA. Okay, here: Walter is opposite of me ... Walter's the extrovert. WALTER. Oh yeah. LINDA. For example... (She stands.) At the club, I might dance like this...But Walter...? WALTER. I dance like I'm on fire. LINDA. See? | GUY. Not really. |
| LINDA. Just don't mind Walter....To WALTER:) What are you doing?! LINDA. You did not seriously bring Delores. WALTER. What's wrong with Delores? LINDA. ... on a date. WALTER. (To GUY:) Tell her that you're cool with our my seeing-eye monkey. | GUY. What now...? |
| LINDA. You're not even blind. WALTER. I'm color blind. ("WALTER" takes out a banana and tries to feed "Delores" for a moment and then puts the banana on the table.) LINDA. This whole night is ruined. I'm leaving. WALTER. Don't make a scene! | LINDA. (To GUY:) I'm sorry, we'll have to reschedule. (To WALTER:) And Walter, we will talk about this at home. (She "leaves." In reality, she's still there because "WALTER" is still there.) WALTER. Don't leave-wait!, See ya, buddy... Hey, slow down! |
| GUY. So, to confirm: now I'm on a date with a monkey. (DELORES monkey-screeches and devours the banana.) (Blackout.) | |
| Next Scene | |
| GUY. So what do you do for a living? | MIMI. [Pulling something heavy with a rope.] |
| GUY. You pull rope. Look, I respect your profession. Sort of. To be honest, I didn't know mimes were still a thing. Either way, I don't see why you'd bring your work to a date. | MIMI. [Battling against harsh winds.] |
| GUY. Yeah, quite a storm in here. | (GUY opens his menu and reads. MIMI mimes picking up an imaginary menu, and peruses it page after page. GUY watches.) |
| GUY. Okay, I'm gonna hit the men's room. | (GUY gets up, takes his jacket from the back of the chair.) |
| MIMI. [You're going to drive away while waving bye-bye?] | GUY. No, I'm not leaving. I'm taking my jacket with me because...it might get cold. |
| No, I'm not leaving. I'm taking my jacket with me because... it might get cold. | (GUY starts to leave. MIMI jumps in front of him.) |
| GUY. No no, you stay here | MIMI. [I'll feed these chickens.] |
| GUY. I don't know what that is. | (GUY tries again to exit but MIMI again gets in his way, maybe with a big Mime Smile. An idea dawns on GUY has an idea. The following is loud and animated-very frantic for MIMI; sarcastically frantic for GUY.) |
| GUY. Oh, how about this... (Looking up:) Oh no! A box!! | MIMI. [Where? Where?] |
| GUY. A huge, glass box, falling from the sky!! | MIMI. [Oh no! It's about to land on me!] |
| GUY. Noooooooo! | (GUY follows the "box" with his finger as it lands on the frantic MIMI, who is now very much "trapped" inside the box.) MIMI. [I am trapped inside this box.] |
| GUY. Best of luck. | (GUY starts to exit as lights rise on other side of stage, MARK sits at a table wearing the same burlap sack, reading the menu. GIRL is also exiting and bumps into GUY. MIMI is still in her box, but she doesn't distract from the action.) |
| GIRL. Sorry. | GUY. No, no. My fault. |
| (A short moment of chemistry. Then they start to go their separate ways. But then GUYturns around.) GUY. Hold on a second. This may seem random, but do you like football? | GIRL. A little. Do you own any burlap? |
| GUY. No. | MARK. (Calling out, without looking up:) It's Versace. (Beat.) |
| GIRL. Should we go get some ice cream? | MARK. (Deadpan:) Check please. |
| End of Play |
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