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Death of Halloween
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| Yeah, exactly! | Yeah, exactly! What’s up, everyone? I’m here for the murder. Here to serve justice to all you. With my really cool coat. And my signature hat. |
| This man is a monster hunter! He’ll– | The name’s Daniel. But you can call me Dan. Consider us friends, for now. One of you is not my friend, though, and I’m here to figure out who that is. |
| Stay away from us! | I’m just trying to get through! Jeez, you’re all so sensitive. |
| I think we should question this– | Move aside you dum-dums! I need to get to the scene. (He pushes through.) Ah here it is! Oh, it’s coming to me now. Oh yeah. Just give me a second. |
| Sir, you could interview me– | Nah, shut up. Wait, let it appear to me… my senses are highly tuned and trained. I’ll find the culprit. |
| I was just going to talk to Bigfoot over there, I think he might have information, but it’s most likely not him. So– | I’ve reached my conclusion! It’s you (points at Bigfoot)! Wanna go, big guy? |
| Thanks Gretchen. | Hey, where’s the interrogation room, Halloweenie? |
| Call me Hal, please. We’re using the study, over there– | –Alright you brute! Come along with us! No funny business, I’m warning you. |
| I want to help apprehend whoever has shaken our community in this way. Where should I begin? | With the part where you murdered the doctor! |
| Um, I should probably include you in the investigation. If you’re going to be here. Dan? Anything else? | Why do you insist you aren’t real? |
| BIGFOOT: What? | I mean I’ve just been thinking. You’re clearly trying to hide something by insisting you aren’t real. |
| BIGFOOT: I don’t– | You clearly do! Why else is everyone always saying Bigfoot isn’t real? |
| I’m rather secretive, that’s all. | Why? |
| Do tell. | This is the part where he confesses to the murder. Look for inconsistencies, detective. |
| Don’t worry, I’m used to it. | Hmm, seems like those zombies are out for dinner. Well, I’ll just have to serve them justice instead. |
| Hold on! | What? |
| Innocent until proven guilty. | I’m gonna go do my thing, you do yours. |
| BIGFOOT: No. | But– |
| (BIGFOOT gets up to leave. Dan is intimidated.) | You can’t leave! |
| Are you gonna stop me? | …No. |
| No. (Beat.) See you, Hal! I’ll be out there with the rest of them. I’ve given my testimony, I hope that’s enough. Have fun! | Zombies. Stupid zombies. Ugh |
| CLARENCE: Greetings. | Okay, cut to it. We know you did it. We have proof. |
| Just tell us what you were doing right before the murder. We heard you were talking about frying I believe. | Yeah, so you could eat her! |
| We do not eat people. | Yeah, but zombies hurt people. It’s in their DNA. |
| And besides, humans hurt people all the time. | Well, yeah, but you guys have these uncontrollable desires that drive you to slaughter. |
| We also hear that from humans. | Yeah! Well you guys are dead! Resurrected! Spooky! |
| Someone start a checklist, see if our friend Dan is really any better than what he judges us for. | I’m not your friend! |
| AUGUST: No. | I’m hungry now. Dammit! |
| Uncontrollable hunger, check. | Alright! Well, that’s not what we heard from Bigfoot! |
| Tell me, did he have anything to say that was not based on vague implications that could be interpreted in multiple different ways according to whoever perceived the occurrence? | I don’t think so. |
| And I need your help. You all seem to be very smart and perceptive. If you have anything I can use, tell me. | I– |
| And there, I believe, you have a motive. | I see, I see. Watch this, Hal. BRAINS! |
| HAL: What? | If I say it enough, they’ll imitate, and reveal their true bloodlust. BRAINS! |
| AUGUST: May we leave? HAL: Yes. | Oh come on Halloweenie, I was just getting started! |
| HAL: You can go. | But I said– |
| No, you can’t keep them, legally– | But I can get it right– |
| HAL: No! | Yes! |
| No! | And they’re gone. Why do you ruin everything, man? |
| Now, I would not like to assume anything, however, we have pretty substantial evidence from the zombies, and they are our last suspect. I’d also like to get home and not redo interviews. | He means fess up you sinister seniors! Oh… hello! Hey, ladies. |
| Would you kill someone over a snowcone machine? | Yes! |
| Has an alibi. With the vampire. | Man, that settles it. They’re all guilty! They’re all in on it together. I’ve been watching them since I got here, I saw each one of them enter with murder in their eyes. |
| I saw each one of them enter with murder in their eyes. HAL: What? | Oh, uh, nothing. You! Witches! You saw Frankenstein before she died? |
| It had to have been someone outside. Someone near the premises, who was fully unaccounted for but present here tonight. | Why are you all looking at me? You should be looking over there, at the… the murderer! He’s over there! |
| Some sort of chase sequence occurs. Eventually, they all leave except for Hal. Hal searches around a bit, before Dan appears.) | Not so fast. |
| HAL: You! | Don’t move, I have these electrodes primed. One step and you’re dead. Bind yourself with your handcuffs. Good. Hand me the key. Now take these. Idiot. You never split up. |
| No! You can’t do this. | Actually, I think I can. I’ve trained everyone to recognize my signature hat and my really cool coat. And it’s practically my job to rile people up beyond the point of reason. So I can do it. |
| In fact, I have done it. Many, many times, I’m probably behind half of all the murders in the entire county. And it pays. | |
| Isn’t there any other way for a rich, connected man like you to make money? | Sorry, it has to be done. They’re out for blood, I can tell, and no one can stop them. I’ve seen it a hundred times, freemason meetings, book clubs, now monster mashes. You’re the one who riled them up too, not just me. |
| And a fair argument could be made in court for them, self defense, whatever. Some legal crap you probably know all about. But, it won’t ever happen, do you know why? | |
| Why? Do I have to ask why? | Let me continue my monologue. |
| Fine. Why? | No one will believe them! And their one remaining advocate, you, will be joining their Doctor soon enough. |
| I’m just another pawn to sacrifice? | Just another martyr. |
| What will you get out of this? | I get to keep my job. That’s it, nothing personal, Halloweenie. |
| My name is Detective Halloween. (Dan duct tapes Hal’s mouth.) | By the time they realize it’s not me, it’ll be too late. Goodbye, old friend. What’s that? I’m not your friend? Oh well. And by the way, Happy Birthday, Hal. |
| No… No… Yes, I said… Don’t forget the breadsticks! | I didn’t. |
| Oh, sorry. I was just taking a normal pizza call. | I see. |
| So, give me the down low. | Well I got them all riled up, admitted to the murder, etc., then did the old switch-a-roo. |
| Mmm. Good detective, asked too many questions though. Shame. | Eh, not really. |
| Always more of ‘em. Always more. | Well, I’d say our jobs are secure. Fear of monsters will be skyrocketing after this “incident”. Once it hits the headlines we’re set. “Famous Doctor and Police Detective dead, Monsters to Blame.” I can see it now. |
| Brilliant plan, as always. | Everything good on your end? |
| Well, we’ve got them all locked up, so not a peep from them will be heard for now. And we’ll keep it that way. | Shall we say our oath? |
| Oath: | In dark dens, dastardly deeds draw dread. In light lounges, laurels laud all luxurious, lustful lives. May we keep this secret, until death does it part. |
Created by:
minssio