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Responses to everything
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| American traditions | It is an American tradition like ballpark franks or racism |
| Pain | Hurts like stapling your tongue to the wall |
| Dirty girl | She is as clean as a needle on the floor of a crack house |
| Chaos | Chaos is a friend of mine. |
| Your welcome | As welcome as a bacon sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah |
| Not subtle | As subtle as a train wreck As subtle as gynecologist wearing a gas mask |
| Cautious | Like a midget at a urinal, I am going to have to be on my toes |
| Ugly | She's got a face that could make an onion cry I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon |
| Fat chick | I thought I was gonna need harpoon |
| Confused | Oh please, you're more confused than an Amish electrician. |
| Grouchy | You are grouchier than Oscar. |
| Picking fights with big guys | You may be a man of steel, but I sweat kryptonite. |
| Dumb stament | Mike Tyson is smart enough to know that’s stupid. |
| Big man | Supersize McAsshole |
| Controlling | You are more controlling than a TV remote |
| Heavy things | It is heavier than a thousand pound whale |
| Not real | It is as real as an honest politician That is as fake as a politician |
| Useless | That is as useless as a screen door on a submarine. |
| “Are we clear?” | Clear as butter |
| Catchy tune | It is catchy… so is aids. |
| Chic compliment | You are as brilliant and beautiful as a supernova |
| Oxymoron | academic sorority, congressional intelligence committee, coed fraternity, civil disobedience, government organization |
| Repulsive | You repulse me, like dark energy. |
| Not complex | I have seen more complexity out of Ikea furniture. |
| Angry | He was madder than a tiger with his nuts in a vice. |
| Redhead nicknames | Molly Ringwald, Pippy Longstocking, Carrottop |
| Buff | That dudes shoulders look like 2 little baby heads |
| Blondes | Why does the blonde have the biggest boobs in the 3rd grade? Why does the blonde have trouble in the ladies room? What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? |
| Brunettes | Why are blonde jokes so short? So brunettes can remember them. |
| Women | What do you call a basement full of woman? |
| South | Why are there hardly any dental professionals in Arkansas? |
| Diplomacy | What's the definition of diplomacy? |
| Fancy cars | What's the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog? |
| Bartenders | What’s the difference between a proctologist and a bartender? |
| Rednecks | What do you call a Redneck with a sheep under one arm and a pig under the other? Bisexual. |
| Divorce | What’s the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? |
| Colleges | How do you get a --- graduate off your porch? Pay for the pizza. Why couldn’t --- put on a nativity scene? |
| Lawyer | What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? |
| Suburbia | Ah suburbia! Where the tear out the trees and name streets after them |
| Midwest | What’s the best thing coming out of Iowa? The Interstate |
| Motorcycles | What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirtbag. |
| Musicians | What’s the difference between Limp Biscuit and a bucket of crap? The bucket. |
| PMS | Why do they call it PMS? Mad cow disease was already taken. |
| Fat chicks | Fat chicks are like mopeds, fun to ride until your friends find out. |
| Drummers | What do you call a person who likes to hang out with musicians? A drummer. |
| Middle name | The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. |
| Feminism | Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. |
| Elections | Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? |
| Manners | I know French men with better manners than you. |
| Miley Cyrus | Miley Cyrus is releasing a new fragrance called "Twerk", its just Billy Ray's tears in a bottle |
| Trump | Did you hear about that animal rights group protesting against Trump? Appartly he is trying out a new hairspray. |
| Chuck Norris | Why doesn’t Chuck Norris wear a condom? |
| Justin Beiber | What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty? |
| Hairy | So hairy I am afraid to be around them during a full moon |
| Tall | I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike. |
| Dumb | You are about as sharp as a marble, aren’t you. Did you cheat? Huh. I just can’t believe you beat a million other sperm to that egg. Ladies and gentlemen, proof that evolution can go in reverse. Your just a few fries short of a happy meal. |
| Short | I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that. And which dwarf are you? I am guessing dopey. |
| Vulgar | You’ve got less class than a school in summertime. |
| Old | You look like a young Benjamin Button. What was Abe Lincoln like in person? |
| Bald | If you wear a white turtleneck you will look like a broken condom. |
| Comebacks | If I wanted any lip from you I would jiggle my zipper. If I needed any s**t from you I'd squeeze your head. Did they ever find the guy? So sayeth your mother. |
| Post insult | If I wanted my comeback I would wipe it off your moms chin. (stare) Your face… it looks like a horses ass flapping in the breeze. |
| Skanky | I bet if we had phone sex I would get an ear infection. |
| Uptight | I bet you could stick a lump of coal up your ass and have a diamond in a week. |
| Colorful shirt | It looks like somebody murdered a rainbow |
| Emotional depth | Five year olds have more emotional depth than you |
| Whore | Your ass is like Citibank everyone makes a deposit. I guess it is true that you are what you eat, cause you’re a huge dick. She swallows more seamen than the Bermuda triangle. |
| Dick | Acting like a dick won’t make yours any bigger. |
| Fat | Calm down thundertits |
| Tough | You look like the kind of guy who wipes his ass with steel wool. |
| “God is watching you” | If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. |
| “Can I borrow a condom?” | Why? You already have your personality. |
| “You look tense.” | Nope just terribly, terribly alert. |
| Interruption | This is an A B conversation, so you can C your way out of it. |
| Dog growl | Whatever man, your moms a bitch. |
| Overly optimistic | Easy Tony Robbins (or Mr. Rogers) , the world aint all sunshine and flowers. |
| “You’re a bitch.” | Roof Roof (in sexy voice). I am a lady poodle. |
| Bitchy chick | Forget it there are probably cobwebs and mold down there anyways.If I were to eat you out there would probably be an echo. |
| “That’s not what you said last time.” | My opinions may have changed but not the fact that I am right. |
| “You don’t give up, do you?” | I do give up… all the time, but not until the moment is right. |
| “Well you know everything don’t you?” | Yeah, it’s scary isn’t it. |
| Serious people | Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? |
| “Fuck you” | I wouldn’t fuck you with Ron Jeremy’s dick. |
| Swimming | I used to swim (pause for a while) but then the cruise ship threw me a life preserver. |
| Something ridiculous | You are such a nerd, where is your pocket protector? |
| Crappy one liner | That sounded better in your head, didn’t it? |
| Is this vodka? | No it is water. Oh, never touch the stuff, fish fuck in it. |
| “You’re gay” | That’s not what your dad said last night. (Cheeky pursed look) |
| “What are you staring at?” | I don’t know give me a minute. |
| “I like cats.” | Me too. Let’s exchange recipes. |
| "Who do you think you are?" | Rick Stettler. Expert sandwhich maker and world class lover. |
| “Money can't buy happiness.” | No, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. |
| “Stop doing nothing” | It might look like I am doing nothing, but on a cellular level I am really quite busy. |
| Silence after insult | Checkmate |
| Penis | I didn’t know they came that small |
| Insult with their faults | Talk about throwing stones |
| Socialist | Chill out, Che. |
| “You are drunk!” | And you are ugly, but when I wake up I will be sober. |
| “That guy is ()” | Yeah, he is. First team all American () |
| “You are weird.“ | You say that like it’s a bad thing. |
| “I could beat you up” | Maybe, but then you’d get blood all over that nice shirt (pat). |
| Insult, ie: you are a bitch, crazy, stupid | I know, I should leave that to you. |
| “Like your eyes” | Thanks they came with the face. |
| "You’re late” | Yeah sorry about that. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
| “Technology right?” | I know! A computer once beat me at checkers. But it was no match for me at kickboxing. |
| Mumbling | Right, when in doubt mumble. |
| “Don’t worry.” | Why? Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. |
| Failure | If at first you don’t succeed…. Then skydiving is not for you. |
| Does something bad | You have low moral fiber… you should really eat more bran. |
| “I told you no.” | But your eyes said yes. |
| “Whatever” | I see the extent of your vocabulary is really starting to show. You know you have won an argument when the other person ends with whatever. |
| Dickish comment | I see those self involved asshole seminars are really starting to pay off. |
| “Calm down.” | Okay Don’t I look calm!!! |
| “Was that a one night stand?” | More of an audition. |
| “What is your major?” | Business management. I could plan, but I think I would rather see where life takes me. |
| *(Unprepared or overly personal question) | That’s a lame question. How about you ask me something really good? |
| *(Overly personal question) | Easy there Oprah, lets keep it light. |
| “Do you have a girlfriend?" | No but I can get you application. Do you think you’ll pass the physical? |
| (Bible quote) | The devil can cite scripture for his own purposes. Give me a moral argument. |
| “Do I know you from somewhere?” | Do you watch porn? |
| “That’s a fact” | No. Jesus's real name was Joshua. That's a fact. There are no facts only interpretations. |
| “Have a nice day.” | Don’t tell me what to do. |
| (Self centered) | I am going to make like Copernicus and to tell you that you not the center of our universe. |
| (attempted trickery) | I am not summers eve, so don’t try to play me like a douche. |
| Hippie stuff | Calm down John Lennon |
| Conservative stuff | Calm down Bill O'rielly |
| Sales | Nice try, Billie Mays |
| Repeated insult | Nice one, society. |
| “What is your name?” | Can you ask me an easier question. Dirk Lightningcheeks. It is my stripper name. I’d tell you, but I don’t like being labeled. |
| Bye | I will never ever see you again, bye. |
| “How did you know?” | Shot in the dark. I am psychic. |
| “Are you ready?” | To rock, always. To go, give me five. |
| “Did you do that?” | I didn’t not do that. |
| “I am mad at you.” | Before you tell me what I did wrong, you should first know that I don't care. Yeah. Some people create their own storms and then get upset when it rains |
| “Forget about it” | Who do think I am, Guy Pearce? |
| Politics | Yeah, lets not take this detour into hell. |
| Unfunny joke | (loud in monotone) Oh my god, please stop. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. |
| “What are you thinking about?” | I hope no one ever finds the body. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some great ideas. |
| “Are you gay?” | Why, are you trying to recruit? Only on Tuesdays. |
| You are gay. | Naw man, but it takes a lot courage to test the waters like that. I hope you find someone. |
| “Are you stalking me?” | Stalking is such a harsh term. I prefer intense research. |
| “You drink too much.” | I don’t like keeping things all bottled up. |
| “Are you on drugs?” | No Abe Lincoln, but that is a lovely unicorn. |
| “You’ve changed.” | Not really, you just never knew me. |
| Fuck you | Right now? In front of all these people? |
| “Your butt is big” | That's so more people can kiss it. |
| “Why didn’t you tell me?” | Why didn’t you ask? |
| “What is your greatest weakness?” | Kittens |
| “What's wrong with you?” | Do you want the list in alphabetical order? |
| (Drama) | Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutley nothing. |
| “Do you know who I am?” | What? You don't know either. |
| (old mistakes) | You are like a plunger, bringing up all this old shit. |
| “Don’t tell anyone” | Your secret is safe with me… and the five other people I tell. |
| "I beg your pardon" | Don't beg |
| (sleeping with an ex) | Sleeping with an ex is like masturbation. You know you’re f*cking yourself but you do it anyway. |
| (amateurs) | Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic. |
| (try something new) | The real risk is doing nothing and dying broken and alone. |
| “I am black” | Huh, I thought you were just really tan. |
| “You listened to me.” | If you can’t beat em join em. |
| "How are you?" (good) | Fair to middling, mostly middling. Happier than a fat kid in a room full of twinkies. Like a dog with his head out the window. From what I hear, I am very good. |
| "How are you?" | Overstuffed Upright and still breathing Not dead yet Delicious Can’t complain… unless you’ve got a few hours In the eye of the storm. |
| "Did you meet?" | Yes, we sniffed one another. |
| Mocking | They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery. |
| "Get your mind out of the gutter." | You leave the innuendo door open even a little bit and I will come crashing through it like the koolaid man. |
| Angry birds | It teaches kids the fun side of suicide bombing. |
| “Say you’re sorry.” | I am sorry… that I regret nothing. |
| Prison | What was the worst part? The dementors? I went to prison once… In monopoly. |
| Quote | Occasionally I will hit someone with my car. So sue me. Michael Scott. |
| “Don’t beat yourself up.” | If I didn’t beat myself up I would never get anything done. |
| Thank you. | Your welcome No need to thank me, I am just doing my job. |
| Partnership | You are the Smithers to my Mr. Burns |
| I am amazing | I wake up in the morning and piss excellence |
| “Why don’t you shut up?” | Why don’t you go back to your home on whore island. |
| That’s right | You don’t know the half of it. |
| Apology | My emotions got the better of me. |
| Question asked | And you? |
| Funny statement | I like you, () |
| Mean person | What is your glitch? |
| Say something interesting | No kidding |
| "Why would I be kidding?" | You look like a playful guy/gal? |
| Backhanded insult | Hahaha, you sly sly dog/women. |
| Let's find some excitement. | Let’s jazz things up like Lewy Armstrong |
| Sob story/complaining. | Stop with the Blues, Muddy Waters |
| "Don't you agree?" | If I agreed with you we would both be wrong. |
| "Grow up." | We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public. |
| "How do you like it?" | I am infatuated. |
| "You are crazy." | Good, normal people are boring. |
| Something bad happens. | I blame you. (What?) I didn’t say it was your fault, I just said I am blaming you. |
| "What is your plan?" | Well, I plan to live forever. So far, so good. |
| Good insult/joke | You clever fool! |
| "There are no stupid questions." | There are only stupid people. |
| "You didn't do that." | I am like dark matter you only see my effect. |
| Cocky statement | I am like a black hole, so powerful not even light can escape me. |
| "Kiss my ass" | Naw, I don't like the taste of ass hair. |
| Talk about news | You hear about …. It’s messed up, right? |
| Hear good news. | Nice! |
| Sad story | I can’t imagine how that felt. |
| Topic- little knowledge | I don’t know a lot about that, but it seems like… |
| Angry tone | I don’t think I like your tone. |
| Excited news for other | Cool beans, hoss. |
| Gross suggestion | …Ew (as a statement) |
| "We can do it tomorrow." | Today is yesterdays tomorrow. |
| Corrected on something | Yeah…. I knew that. |
| Didn't hear | If I knew what you said I would answer. |
| Lecture about changing self | I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time go fuck yourself. |
| Introduction | My name is Richard, but I go by Rick. You know who has the time. |
| Bad news | That’s heavy, doc. |
| Interesting day | Well now, that was an adventure. |
| Brazilian | I appreciate your waxes |
| Bible | “As a dog returnth to his vomit, so a fool returnth to his folly”, Proverbs |
| Accused of stealing material | “The best ideas are common property” |
| Buddha | “A fool associating himself with a wise man all his life sees not the truth, even as a spoon enjoys not the taste of soup” |
| Islam | “Allah will not be merciful to those who are not merciful to people.” |
| Boring life | “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” Oscar Wilde |
| Breaking the law | Nelson Mandela once said “When a man is denied the right to the life he believes in, he has no choice to become an outlaw” |
| Security vs Liberty | Ben Franklin said “ They who give up liberty for little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” |
| Democracy | “There is once thing have to remember about the will of the people, it wasn’t too long ago they were swept away by the Macarena." |
| “Two wrongs don’t make a right” | “Turnabout is fair play” |
| “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” | “Beware the Greeks bearing gifts” |
| I am going to guess your favorite color is… | |
| Favorite movie? | Shrek, still hilarious. Eddy murfy as donkey, work of art. |
| If money was no object, what would you do all day? | Travel |
| What do you want to accomplish in life? | Ninja Assassin or Cowboy, I haven’t decided yet. |
| Dog or Cat? | |
| What do you dream of doing? Why haven’t you done it yet? | |
| What superpower would you choose and why? | Mindreading, you could connect to anyone. Like someone is thinking “I really want a sandwich right now.” You bring them a sandwich instant bff’s . (comments on sandwhich power) Oh, you haven’t had one my sandwhiches. |
| What do you think the meaning of life is? | Experience. I think we are meant to collect them like beanie babies. I believe experiences makes us grow on a spiritual level…. Or it all means nothing (changes voice) and we are all just specs of cosmic dust, but that would be really depressing. |
| Catches you looking at her. | “Can you please stop checking out my ass? I am not a piece of meat” |
| Hobbies (theirs) | I feel like you… (extreme ironing, build robots, make art out of duct tape, cock fighting, beekeeping) |
| Hobbies (mine) | I like to… (catch javelins, knit, dress up as a clown and jump out of alleys, race pigeons like mike tyson) |
| Have faith | Doubt is the origin of wisdom |
| How old are you? | Old enough to know you are trouble. |
| What classes are you taking? | Wow if only all my stalkers were as bold as you. |
| No one cares about your opinion | The usefulness of an opinion is itself a matter of opinion. |
| Brookyln | Huh... you packing heat? |
| She says something ridiculous | “Go sit over there and I’ll get you some crayons to draw with.” |
| (correction on location) | Right, wrong preposition. |
| (correction on day or other noun) | Right, wrong noun. |
| Female friend | Ayo Shorty! |
Created by:
rys5402
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