COMN2311 - LECT 17 & 18 Concepts
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| DIALOGUE talk - managing yourself | *U - understanding first - suspend judgement
*E-emotional self-management - hot to cool feelings
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| Change HOT to ___ feelings | COOL
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| How to cool down (4) | Breath from the diaphragm; relax muscles; change your ego state & voice to (from angry parent/frustrated child) to your calm Adult state
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| Critical/angry parent words (8) | That's bad; You should..: You ought..' You never..; Be good..; Don't you..;Ridiculous..; You must...
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| Critical/angry parent tones (8) | judgmental; frown/squint; critical; condescending; loud; disgusted/sneering; scheming; demanding; comparing...
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| Critical/angry parent body talk (8) | wagging/pointing finger; feet apart/hands on hips; slaps/spanks; serious look; arms crossed/closed postre; foot tapping; disgusted look; pounds table...
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| Frustrated child words (4) | I'm wrong; No!; I don't care; You'll be sorry!/ It's your fault!
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| Frustrated child tone (4) | placating/sweet; angry; soft; silence (withdrawal - sulk) ; accusatory
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| Frustrated child body talk (4) | innocent look; aggressive; withdrawn/timid; angrily; hurtful
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| Appropriate Adult voice | ask questions: How; what; where; who and "I"-messages
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| Appropriate Adult tone | modulated; appropriate; controlled/calm; confident; corresponds to feelings
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| Appropriate Adult body talk | relaxed; thoughtful; looks up; wrinkled brow; attentive
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| Assumptions of DIALOGUE talk | solve problems; I manage myself; we both have to change; my story is my story (obv. only to me); you have your story (obv. only to you); I have all the date when I listen to your story; I clarify my meaning only; how did I contribute to this situation?
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| DIALOGUE style elements | Descriptive language; I-message; ask about their story; listen actively to get their meaning; open acknowledgement of their story; genuine support for them & efforts to resolve
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| Listen actively and be a receptive _____ | listener
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| Listen actively - FOUR DONT'S | DON'T: tell them what they SHOULD be thinking; or tell your story; or give your opinion/advice; or debate
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| Open Acknowledgement (4) | situational - "this has happened before"; personal - "I was upset" or "you seem really upset"; disarming - "I'm no expert but..."; hypothetical - "if i'd been in your situation, I would have..."
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| Genuine Support (2) | Affirm the other's right to disagree and give positive feedback "You are...+" or When I see/hear...I feel...
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| IP Conflict Management | Conflict occurs when one person thinks that actions of another will prevent them from getting what they want or from being the way they want to be - fighting; striving to overcome; mastery; internal btwn choices /external btwn peopl
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| 3 levels of Conflict | (1) disputation - win by light CONTROL+reasoned argument; (2) Defence of Position - move to heavy CONTROL + -ve rhetoric ; (3) Destruction of relationship/other - win by heavy CONTROL + 'force' physical/psychological
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| Orientations to conflict | predispositions - approach/withdraw; beliefs - productive/undesirable; motivations - winning vs mutal agreement
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| Model of Conflict styles | y-axis: hi-lo assertiveness (goals) + x-axis: lo-hi cooperativeness (relationship) > hi-lo:forcing win-lose < CONTROL talk > lo-hi: accommodating lose-win; lo-lo:avoid/fear lose-lose; mid: compromising both win/lose> DIALOGUE talk: collaborating win-win
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| Model of conflict management styles | postpone until you 'cool-down'; ignores conflict vs resolve; personal stakes not high; confrontation will hurt; little chance of satisfaction; avoid/delay = uncooperative/unassertive; passive (adapted child)/nurturing (parent)
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| Forcing/competing | heavy CONTROL; goals important; force resolutions; win-lose; controlling parent/rebellious child ego states; sometimes better decisions compared to less effective compromised decisions
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| Competitive Conflict Resolution | Hard competitive; adversarial; victory; concession based; hard on problem/people; distrust-postional
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| Accommodating | relationships important; resolve thru giving; unassertive/passive CONTROL w/ adapted child; assertive/light CONTROL w/ nurturing parent; win (other) - lose; maintain relationship; people take advantage
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| Compromising | focus on goals & relationships; resolve thru concession; mutual light CONTROL w/ some DIALOGUE; willing to forfeit some goals; elicits assertion/cooperative adult; win-lose or lose-lose; relationship maintained; less than ideal outcome
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| Collaborating | value goals & relationships; find agreeable solution for all w/ DIALOGUE; adult ego state; win-win; conflict not settled until all happy; takes time & effort
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| Nature of collaborative conflict resolution | issues are on the table for agreement; one party's stand = their answer; interests - underlying concerns affected by a deal - their needs
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| Collaborative Principled Bargaining/Negotiation | never let position drive out interests; find out more - what does other really want?; ask why or why not Qs & listen; discover variety of interests * weave them together - create value vs demand bigger share of value on the table
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| Collaborative Principled Bargaining/Negotiation | separate people from the problem; focus on interests vs positions; invent options for mutual gain; insist on objective criteria; be self aware w/ adult DIALOGUE talk
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| Fair fighting | express feelings w/ I-messages; define bounds of vulnerability; focus on here & now; paraphrase & listen; take it w. grace; focus on behaviour & ideas; look for where you can agree; see how you can help other get what they want
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| Describe | use descriptive language to explain situation; nonjudgemental; assume little/nothing; present data as you see them
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| Asking Questions | open-ended; open up conversation w/ 4W2H Qs; then close-ended Qs; probe for facts & details
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| 4W2H Questions | Who; what; where; when; how & how much (never why)
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| Keep positive | "how can we solve this?" vs " why can't we solve this!" or " I'm not sure I'm clear on the whole situation, could you tell me more?"
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Created by:
elle99
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