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Conflict Resolution

COMN2311 - LECT 17 & 18 Concepts

DIALOGUE talk - managing yourself *U - understanding first - suspend judgement *E-emotional self-management - hot to cool feelings
Change HOT to ___ feelings COOL
How to cool down (4) Breath from the diaphragm; relax muscles; change your ego state & voice to (from angry parent/frustrated child) to your calm Adult state
Critical/angry parent words (8) That's bad; You should..: You ought..' You never..; Be good..; Don't you..;Ridiculous..; You must...
Critical/angry parent tones (8) judgmental; frown/squint; critical; condescending; loud; disgusted/sneering; scheming; demanding; comparing...
Critical/angry parent body talk (8) wagging/pointing finger; feet apart/hands on hips; slaps/spanks; serious look; arms crossed/closed postre; foot tapping; disgusted look; pounds table...
Frustrated child words (4) I'm wrong; No!; I don't care; You'll be sorry!/ It's your fault!
Frustrated child tone (4) placating/sweet; angry; soft; silence (withdrawal - sulk) ; accusatory
Frustrated child body talk (4) innocent look; aggressive; withdrawn/timid; angrily; hurtful
Appropriate Adult voice ask questions: How; what; where; who and "I"-messages
Appropriate Adult tone modulated; appropriate; controlled/calm; confident; corresponds to feelings
Appropriate Adult body talk relaxed; thoughtful; looks up; wrinkled brow; attentive
Assumptions of DIALOGUE talk solve problems; I manage myself; we both have to change; my story is my story (obv. only to me); you have your story (obv. only to you); I have all the date when I listen to your story; I clarify my meaning only; how did I contribute to this situation?
DIALOGUE style elements Descriptive language; I-message; ask about their story; listen actively to get their meaning; open acknowledgement of their story; genuine support for them & efforts to resolve
Listen actively and be a receptive _____ listener
Listen actively - FOUR DONT'S DON'T: tell them what they SHOULD be thinking; or tell your story; or give your opinion/advice; or debate
Open Acknowledgement (4) situational - "this has happened before"; personal - "I was upset" or "you seem really upset"; disarming - "I'm no expert but..."; hypothetical - "if i'd been in your situation, I would have..."
Genuine Support (2) Affirm the other's right to disagree and give positive feedback "You are...+" or When I see/hear...I feel...
IP Conflict Management Conflict occurs when one person thinks that actions of another will prevent them from getting what they want or from being the way they want to be - fighting; striving to overcome; mastery; internal btwn choices /external btwn peopl
3 levels of Conflict (1) disputation - win by light CONTROL+reasoned argument; (2) Defence of Position - move to heavy CONTROL + -ve rhetoric ; (3) Destruction of relationship/other - win by heavy CONTROL + 'force' physical/psychological
Orientations to conflict predispositions - approach/withdraw; beliefs - productive/undesirable; motivations - winning vs mutal agreement
Model of Conflict styles y-axis: hi-lo assertiveness (goals) + x-axis: lo-hi cooperativeness (relationship) > hi-lo:forcing win-lose < CONTROL talk > lo-hi: accommodating lose-win; lo-lo:avoid/fear lose-lose; mid: compromising both win/lose> DIALOGUE talk: collaborating win-win
Model of conflict management styles postpone until you 'cool-down'; ignores conflict vs resolve; personal stakes not high; confrontation will hurt; little chance of satisfaction; avoid/delay = uncooperative/unassertive; passive (adapted child)/nurturing (parent)
Forcing/competing heavy CONTROL; goals important; force resolutions; win-lose; controlling parent/rebellious child ego states; sometimes better decisions compared to less effective compromised decisions
Competitive Conflict Resolution Hard competitive; adversarial; victory; concession based; hard on problem/people; distrust-postional
Accommodating relationships important; resolve thru giving; unassertive/passive CONTROL w/ adapted child; assertive/light CONTROL w/ nurturing parent; win (other) - lose; maintain relationship; people take advantage
Compromising focus on goals & relationships; resolve thru concession; mutual light CONTROL w/ some DIALOGUE; willing to forfeit some goals; elicits assertion/cooperative adult; win-lose or lose-lose; relationship maintained; less than ideal outcome
Collaborating value goals & relationships; find agreeable solution for all w/ DIALOGUE; adult ego state; win-win; conflict not settled until all happy; takes time & effort
Nature of collaborative conflict resolution issues are on the table for agreement; one party's stand = their answer; interests - underlying concerns affected by a deal - their needs
Collaborative Principled Bargaining/Negotiation never let position drive out interests; find out more - what does other really want?; ask why or why not Qs & listen; discover variety of interests * weave them together - create value vs demand bigger share of value on the table
Collaborative Principled Bargaining/Negotiation separate people from the problem; focus on interests vs positions; invent options for mutual gain; insist on objective criteria; be self aware w/ adult DIALOGUE talk
Fair fighting express feelings w/ I-messages; define bounds of vulnerability; focus on here & now; paraphrase & listen; take it w. grace; focus on behaviour & ideas; look for where you can agree; see how you can help other get what they want
Describe use descriptive language to explain situation; nonjudgemental; assume little/nothing; present data as you see them
Asking Questions open-ended; open up conversation w/ 4W2H Qs; then close-ended Qs; probe for facts & details
4W2H Questions Who; what; where; when; how & how much (never why)
Keep positive "how can we solve this?" vs " why can't we solve this!" or " I'm not sure I'm clear on the whole situation, could you tell me more?"
Created by: elle99