COMN2311-LECT 15 & 16 Concepts
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| When CONTROL talk appears | recognised power difference between speakers in conversation
or problem/conflict talk
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| Assumptions of CONTROL (light) talk*** | manage other/maintain face;
I persist - you change;
my version is obviously true;
based on my (real) data;
I have access to all data;
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| CONTROL talk (review) | Critical (I'm right-you're wrong) - light
Offer new info (argue/teach/preach/) - light
Negotiate change (they acquiesce to you) - light
*Terminate/try again/take it personally
Righteous anger - heavy
Overt aggression - heavy
Laying blame - heavy
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| Assumptions of CONTROL (heavy) talk*** | I assume I know what you mean;
you are to blame - your behaviour is incorrect/incomplete/inappropriate;
I talk from critical judgement;
"you"-messages;
ask Qs to probe for agreement;
listen for leverage;
no/low acknowledgement;
no/low support
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| CONTROL is about power | rational or emotional persuasion for:
positional;
personal;
principle of least interest (in relationship vs. being right)
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| Using power bases to influence other: (5) | legitimate power; referent power; reward/coercive power; informational/persuasion power
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| Light CONTROL talk when there is no power advantage/resistance | soft tactics; more emotional; create bot 'objective' and 'subjective' (emotional) rewards for other - induce some level of dependence
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| Active light CONTROL tactics (7) | Pre-giving (reward then compliance); promises; (compliance then reward); +ve expertise (rewarded by nature);+ve self-feelings (in other); +ve altercasting (cast other in +ve role); +ve esteem (+ve for other); more appeals ('the right thing to do)
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| Passive light CONTROL tactics (5) | -ve expertise (punished by nature); -ve self-feelings; -ve altercasting; -ve esteem; debt (call in past favours)
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| Light CONTROL works in the 'right' context: (4) | other needs info we have; other has lees power/knowledge; other feels they have little to contribute; we get what we want & they change
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| Light CONTROL meets with resistance when: (5) | other does not need our info; they hold opposing line/exerting independence from us; other responds w/ light CONTROL; we resist & reply w/ more light CONTROL --> become competitive
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| Heavy CONTROL forms (6) | You-messages; labels (you are ... ) ; commands (don't do that ever again) ; judgement (you're wrong); blame (you made me); accusation (you don't care)
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| 'You'-messages (5) | focus on the person instead of the behaviour/situation; disguised emotion; places blame instead of solving issue; other is provoked into defensive; avoids ownership of your thoughts & feelings (other is not responsible)
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| Heavy CONTROL & Influence in Romantic Relationships | if 1 is controller = uses heavy tactics; if no 1 = both use light CONTROL; if both = rational bargaining/compromise; low self esteem uses hard tactics (doesn't believe simple request will be accepted)
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| CONTROL & punctuation (Devito) | IP COMN is: continuous; overlapping; complex; multi-causal; hard to accept (when defensive); so we simplify (punctuate)
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| Heavy CONTROL loop | Heavy CONTROL-->chain of cause & effect -->"your behaviour caused my reaction" --> I need to be right
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| 3 aspects of struggle in CONTROL talk | what was said (truth); what was meant (help/hurt); who's to blame (they are the cause)
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| Assumptions (crippling) about "what was said" *** | The struggle over the TRUTH: I am right; you are wrong; if I persist you will change; persistence creates resistance
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| Assumptions (crippling) about "what was meant" *** | I know what you meant; infer others intentions from your feelings (auto-think); leads us up inference ladder; allness assumptions
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| Assumptions (crippling) about "who's to blame" *** | most time is spent here: It's not the situation, it's THEM; problems only have one cause (over-attribution)
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| CONTROL (3) vs DIALOGUE talk (3) | CONTROL starts from: REFLEX; REACTION & RIGHTNESS...DIALOGUE starts from: AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE & APPROPRIATENESS
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| Three types of talk & problem-solving in relationships | Connect Talk --> [problem]--> CONTROL talk (being right*/assume/judge) --> CHOOSE (mindfulness/flexibility/meta-talk) --> DIALOGUE Talk (solve problem/learn/accept)
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